To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.

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Just called the fire department to tell them that dogs pee on fire hydrants so they should probably all wash their hands.


There are a million designers working on making website buttons have better gradients and none working on the cord that changes how fast your ceiling fan is going. Literally no one knows what speed their fan is on or what will happen if they pull the cord again


*sets up tent*
*unrolls sleeping bag*
*tosses down like fourteen decorative pillows*

Waitress: Umm…
Me: I’ll have the endless chips and salsa.
Waitress: But you can’t–


Don’t worry, Donald Trump will declare bankruptcy and start a new country.


I can tell you from experience that the “fake it till you make it” saying is true for most things in life, just not flying a helicopter.


Prevent future fights among your children by not owning any nice things.


Headline: World helium shortage over due to discovery of helium field.

Scientist: (high voice) This new supply of helium is a game-changer


My life is like a movie where two soulmates meet in line at the grocery store, except I’m the woman behind them buying tampons and cat food.


LOL at vegetarians coming to my house for a BBQ! Feel free to eat my lawn.