@thegoodgodabove

To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.

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@sucittaM

Just called the fire department to tell them that dogs pee on fire hydrants so they should probably all wash their hands.

@weedguy420boner

There are a million designers working on making website buttons have better gradients and none working on the cord that changes how fast your ceiling fan is going. Literally no one knows what speed their fan is on or what will happen if they pull the cord again

@jctwritesstuff

*sets up tent*
*unrolls sleeping bag*
*tosses down like fourteen decorative pillows*

Waitress: Umm…
Me: I’ll have the endless chips and salsa.
Waitress: But you can’t–
Me: –I LIVE HERE NOW

@birbigs

Don’t worry, Donald Trump will declare bankruptcy and start a new country.

@YourMomsucksTho

I can tell you from experience that the “fake it till you make it” saying is true for most things in life, just not flying a helicopter.

@RickAaron

Prevent future fights among your children by not owning any nice things.

@TheBoydP

Headline: World helium shortage over due to discovery of helium field.

Scientist: (high voice) This new supply of helium is a game-changer

@RidiculousSheri

My life is like a movie where two soulmates meet in line at the grocery store, except I’m the woman behind them buying tampons and cat food.

@dshack8

LOL at vegetarians coming to my house for a BBQ! Feel free to eat my lawn.

L-O-L!