To apply for a job at Hooters do they hand you a bra and say, “Here, just fill this out.” ?
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Stop it! 😂
[home]
FRIEND: How’d family dinner go?
ME: Huge mess to clean.
F: It’s spotless!
M: *sprays luminol* You’d never know they were even here.
Super glue dry times:
Wood – 30 secs
Steel – 60 secs
Ceramic – 20 secs
Fingers – instant
*notices my tinder match has “catholic” in their bio*
me: so how long have u been addicted to cats
me: “im using this quarantine to learn something new each day”
friend: “what did you learn today?”
me: “guitar”
friend: “no way you learned guitar in one day. prove it”
me, opening a guitar case: “this is a guitar”
friend:
me: “tomorrow im going to learn what a piano is”
Wait, Omicron isn’t the latest crypto currency?
‘Siri, am I an alcoholic?’, I whisper into my burrito.
If you die on the toilet, you die in real life.
My husband says it’s not my chin hairs that embarrass him, it’s how I’m constantly trying to yank them out in public.
god: [looking down at earth] let me see your binoculars for a sec
angel: [perspiring freely] promise you won’t get mad
Me: *body contorted into the most uncomfortable position known to humankind*
Every fitness instructor ever: Keep your core tight.
If life was fair, piñatas would take sticks and beat the shit outta little kids to get their candy back.
Dead sexy!!
Customer Service: “Would you take a minute to fill out this survey?”
Me: “Wouldn’t you rather save that for someone you actually helped?”
He can talk about his favourite Indian flatbread, naan-stop.
ME: How much for the dehydrated otter?
PET STORE OWNER: That’s a weasel
I always text a girl 5 minutes after our first date ended and say ~ “I haven’t given up on us.”
Star Wars Episode 7? What’s next, Star Wars Episode 8???
We’ve replaced my roommate’s Sour Cream Pringles with a colony of wasps I’ve been antagonizing for a month. Let’s see if he notices.
Fitness level – too much Popeyes, zero spinach
We’re at dinner with my parents on this trip.
Dad, receiving his salad: Oh, you have to mix this together yourself.
Me: You mean you have to toss your own salad?!
*Husband laughed*
*Mom giggled*Dad, oblivious: Yeah. You do.
Two out of three ain’t bad.
The hardest part of painting a nude self-portrait is having yourself over for drinks and convincing yourself to take off your clothes.
I don’t know how he put it in from that angle, but I liked it.
-me watching hockey
I don’t think AI should be used to make content…BUT…if there were a way for the paw patrol to tell my son by name that if he doesn’t go to bed they will arrest him…
When you smile and laugh and pretend you heard a word they said.
~ Night club conversations and marriage
Let me get this straight: Rumpelstiltskin gives you a ton of gold, saves your life, AND takes your first born off your hands and he’s a bad guy?
My God, have you lost your marbles?
Yes, she whispers.
I secure the basement door. Monstrous sounds emanate. The hippos are so very hungry.
nobody
literally nobody
my mom to our uber driver: so tell me all about yourself
“And this is my creepy husband, John.”
(The way my friend should introduce her husband)
Nobody plays better together than siblings being told it’s bedtime