To avoid another embarrassing moment like when I was stood up on prom night, I always keep at least 1 penguin around.
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Only marriage can turn an incorrectly folded towel into an act of war.
yet another student using CatGPT to do their schoolwork
Pandas 🐼🖤
Running away doesn’t help you with your problems. Unless you’re fat.
*walking my 5 year old back from the bathroom
Lady: Your grand daughter is so cute
Me: She’s my…. Thank you
[heaven]
Abraham Lincoln: If only I’d stayed in that night instead of going to that show.
Batman’s parents: Same.
With so many sequels, I’m beginning to think maybe the missions ARE possible after all…
I PASSED THE BAR!
On the way to work and I didn’t go in! Yay me!
Before letters were invented the alphabet song was an instrumental.
Alright! Everyone that got a DM containing a map to my treehouse, meet there in 15 mins. Those who didn’t, maybe consider being nicer to me.
I’m not saying that I haven’t slept for a while, but could you kindly ask your eyebrows to stop rearranging themselves on your face?
I almost choken on food and the whole time it was happening I was just thinking “What a cliche way for a fat person to die of”
I love friendship errands, where you do a little task with a friend by your side for company, like pick up your prescription or stop at the post office or transport a ring of power to Mordor
[meeting]
DIRECTOR: I want amazing CGI
PRODUCER: Yes!
D: A huge cast
P: Agreed!
D: Realistic family photos
P: We don’t have the budget
I told him to drive me crazy in the bedroom, so he put the window blinds at different heights.
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
There is a trend of babies being named after characters in “Frozen”.
“That’s Stupid” says a 24 year old named Ariel.
When I first met my husband I knew I’d see him again because I stole his watch.
He died doing what he loved — screaming for help and punching a bear.
I’m suspicious of people who don’t like dogs…But I totally trust a dog when it doesn’t like a person.
Spins a web.
Any size.
Catches thieves.
Just like flies.
He waits.
The thieves come.
The web is sticky. The more they struggle, the more entangled they become.
He cocoons them and drains their fluids. The rest will feed his young.
Look out.
Here comes the Spider-Man.
this is supposed to be an 18 year old
RELATIONSHIPS: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job
I think people who use “go fly a kite” as an insult don’t really understand kites or insults.
Having kids has made me a better person, because I now have a constant example of how jerks behave.
Anteater Kid: What’s for dinner?
Anteater Mom: Don’t be a smart ass, Brandon.
Stages of Candle Burning
1: this smells nice
2: still smells nice
3: this is all I can smell now
4: this is the only scent I have ever known
(Sigh) I thought “The Scarlet Letter” was a book about red stationery….
I’m just a guy standing in a Starbucks line, thinking I could’ve milked a cow and grown my own coffee beans faster than this shit.