To avoid being eaten by zombies, go to Settings / Home Invasion Settings / Cannibalism / Brains, and then uncheck the “tasty” box.
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Having a toddler is a great way to find out how much milk your tennis shoe will hold
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
ME: If I donate my body, will it be used for weird and gross sex experiments?
SCIENTIST: Of course not!
ME: Oh. Nevermind, then.
People would probably like hospitals better if they had water slides & the nurses were strippers
me, recommending a book: this book DESTROYED ME. this book RIPPED MY VERY BEING APART. i read the end sobbing in a fetal position on the floor and i didn’t move for three hours. please read it HIGHLY RECOMMEND IT
Existing is a pretty remarkable achievement.
Overheard neighborhood story:
First person: my husband goes out and hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.
Second person: MY husband goes out at hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.
2010’s:
Swallowing a Tide pod2020’s:
Swallowing an Air pod
Scanned a customer in the eyes with a barcode reader for being rude to me….
…should have seen the look on his face, it was priceless
According to my neighbor’s rooster, it’s 5am now.
Also according to my neighbor’s rooster, we’re having fried chicken for dinner tomorrow.
I never scrape my back window so when I back out of parking spots I let Jesus decide if I’m gonna kill anyone
WHO SAID “YOU GOTTA KEEP EM SEPARATED”
A) Gov. George Wallace
B) The Offspring
C) My mom teaching me to do laundry
D) All of the above
The only way I’m coming to your wedding is if YOU get ME a gift. You just found lifelong love, I think I deserve a blender more than you do.
Me: Ugh! These jeans are too tight!
*opens bag of chips*
Her: I really need to learn to say “no”.
Me: I’ll introduce you to my wife.
I didn’t have to shower alone today…..
Related…….why the hell are there spiders in the winter?
I smoked a pack of cigarettes in 6 hrs, I don’t think your kale will save me.
*too embarrassed to buy condoms**buys 3D printer**makes gun**robs condom factory*
Failed Pickup Lines:
“Baby, my memory may be selective but I’m not.”
My friend: My fridge broke down, all my ice cream is gonna melt!
Me:
Me: Step aside.
My friend reckons he’s going to make a fortune flying people about in his invisible aeroplane. I can’t see it taking off.
Writing historical fiction is so benignly chaotic, like I’m in the middle of composing an intense, heartfelt, philosophical scene then suddenly I have to open a new tab for “when were towels invented”
Invention: When your heart stops beating, your smartphone and laptop instantaneously explode.
PATENT PENDING!!
FRIEND: Make her the center of attention
ME: Okay
[later at restaurant]
ME: *throws food at next table*
ME: *pointing at date* SHE DID IT
You know you’ve ordered too much take-out when they give you three sets of plastic utensils.
My kids played camping today and my job was to stay in the tent and sleep, I’ve never been so good at a game before
Science in 140. Carbon. A nonmetallic, tetravalent element which forms the basis of all known life, the result of unprotected carbon dating.
*Michael Cera stubs his toe on a cotton ball*
My problem with the 15 minute city is what are you supposed to do with the rest of the day?