To avoid eating all the Halloween candy, I got tiny Bibles to hand out instead but, nope, I’ve eaten all those too.
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Where is your GOD now????
governor said not to attend any gatherings w/ more than 10 people so I guess I’m still on for the smashmouth concert
The automatic toilet flusher is taking away your rights!
Is it soup spoon or dessert spoon when eating a jar of mayonnaise?
Sorry to text you so late but can your dog come over?
doctor: do u smoke?
me: no
doctor: mmhmm *writes in my file*
me: [nervously] is…is that bad?
Sixteen years and 200+ million users ago, we could not have imagined ourselves here. Today, Vimeo is a public company. Thank you to everyone who helped us reach this point. We can’t wait to take Vimeo into the future. #VMEO
Cop: We found a decapitated body in the bay. Looks like he was attacked by a shark.
Chief: Did you get his name?
Cop: Sharks don’t have names, Chief.
I have a “wayward” son & telling him to “carry on” doesn’t sound like good advice, but whatever you say, kansas
Battle of the bird feeder
Husband – 3
Squirrels – 85,678
I taught my 4yo niece to play poker today. It got pretty cutthroat, & I’m now the proud owner of a Barbie Dream house & her entire Hatchimal collection.
I love when I learn a new word and use it for the embourgeoisement of my vocabulary
Superwife! Gets pissed faster than a speeding bullet. More powerful than your longest friendships. Leaps your decisions in a single bound.
wife: what’s bothering you, hun?
attila: the romans
Kids these days won’t get the trauma of passing notes in class and hoping nobody reads it until it reaches the recipient.
Apparently Bird Box is not a KFC $5 fill up. I know this now…
Dentist: I’m going to take your tooth out
Me: Ok then
[later that evening]
Dentist: Well this is nice
My tooth: I’m having a lovely time
Having a rough day? At least you’re not Courtney Love’s gynecologist.
Does the thirty minutes of cardio have to be all at once or can you spread it out over fifty years?
ME: argh the salty air be getting to me head just hand over the treasure ya scurvy knave
LONG JOHN SILVERS CASHIER: *rolls eyes* *gives me my change*
My mom remembers exactly what she was doing when Elvis died but can’t remember my name half the time, my birthday, or who my dad is.
Interesting how Lassie always happens to be at the scene when a kid “falls” down a well.
Why aren’t these people with Ebola doing the ice bucket challenge? Don’t they want to get better?
If doctors were truly empathetic they would wear backless gowns too
I went to a wildlife rehabilitation center today and none of the animals were still doing drugs. A massive success!
DON’T STOP BELIEVING!
…..but feel free to be somewhat skeptical from time-to-time
Killer with knife to my throat: it’s ironic how you’re about to die in your living room.
Me: actually, that’s not really what ironic means.
teach a man to fish and he’ll turn around and try to teach you to fish like he invented it and you’re an idiot
a dog shows up to play basketball. but the rulebook never says dogs can’t play. i get it. thats a normal thing to not see coming. but then that same dog plays football, soccer, baseball. time to codify the good faith bipeds only policy, right?
no! they let his kids be ASTRONAUTS
The 70’s called. They built a time phone.