To avoid further heartbreaks from loving someone who doesn’t love me back I have decided to focus on things I have a better shot with…like my love of chicken wings.
Chicken wings: Um, I have a boyfriend
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My therapist thinks I should keep coming in for at least one more washer & dryer
Doc I keep throwing up
Did u eat anything odd lately
No
What about that bottle youre holding labelled “lizard juice”
You said eat, idiot
Having defeated the floor lamp, 4 plants & one “unbreakable” cat toy, my idiot cat has now waged war against my laundry.
The Battle of the Bra is in full swing.
[crime scene]
*detective snaps pics of murder victim*
Corpse: delete it
I read an article today about a cat who saved his owner’s life. I’m still trying to teach mine not to vomit hairballs on my bed.
Good luck listening to 80’s music without imagining my silhouette doing karate poses.
If Sherlock is such a great detective why does it take him 90min to solve a crime when CSI detectives do it in an hour minus commercials??
Me: I don’t think I belong
Therapist: Do you think you be short?
I wish I had the exciting social life my mom must have envisioned when she used to stitch my name into my underwear.
My kids made a mixture of snow, corn chex, chocolate chips, and apple slices on the kitchen floor so now I need a new house
[at a mattress store]
sales assistant: what size are you looking for?
me:*six loads of laundry big* queen should do
Whenever I feel sorry for myself, I take my children to the grocery store. And then there’s like 40 people feeling sorry for me.
U-HAUL, may I help you?
“You have any moving boxes?”
No all our boxes stay still
“Well you better go- wait what?”
Stop calling here, Dad
If I squint really hard, nope. You’re still an idiot.
I need my next partner to be absolutely looney tunes for me. Like, heart exploding from chest, tongue rolling out into a carpet, bonking themselves on the head with a hammer when they see me until little birds circle them, etc etc
Eats one handful of popcorn. Spends next 4 years flossing.
[moments before death with my life flashing before my eyes]
Me: Wow, that’s a lot of cat gifs.
Bury me with thousands of bottle caps so whoever finds me 2000 years from now really freaks out
John Hammond: *proudly* At Jurassic Park, we spare no expense
Me: So where’s all the security?
John Hammond: We had one guy but he got eaten so we’re on our own
I only ate one meal yesterday. It just lasted for six hours.
I’ll be mad as hell!
No animal is more conniving and deceptive than Guinea Pigs, whom are neither pigs or from Guinea.
Justify your alcoholism by having children.
Remember that the most popular man in the village was its idiot.
You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:
Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.
If you can’t beat them
Just try sunny side up
(sees a hot guy at the bar)
me: hey dude. why don’t you take off that big coat? you’re sweating everywhere
When a shoelace touches your ankle
[at the club]
Me: I got the moves
Her: it’s “runs”