To avoid the awkward 5 minutes, lean over and give the cashier butterfly kisses while waiting for your 500 foot CVS receipt.
You Might Also Like
put ‘er there pardner!
2: [looks at old photo]
Papa you have no beard?Me: That was a long time ago, before Papa grew one.
4: [looks at same photo]
This before Mama had one, too?My wife:
Me: [sighs] 4 years. You had a good run, son.
[eating cured meats and mixed cheeses while jumping out of an airplane] lmao pacharcuterie
Memo to self: When trying to set someone on fire, it’s important to use gasOLINE and not your own gas, no matter how much cabbage you may have had the night before.
Wait, you didn’t let me finish. What I was trying to say is Hitler was largely misunderstood by people who don’t speak German.
Me: You can’t stay home by yourself.
8-year-old: You can trust me, Dad. I’m responsible.
Me: You’re holding nunchucks.
8: I’m holding nunchucks responsibly.
[talking to life insurance agent]
Let me get this right. I pay you until I die, then someone ELSE gets the money? No thanks.
Stand up. Yell, “I OBJECT!” Moonwalk past the bailiff out the side door, finger guns ablaze. PEW PEW PEW!
If you enjoy “naked and afraid”, check the the streaming of my new hit show: barefoot and mildly annoyed
West Side Story gave me the wrong impression. No one at this gang fight is a good dancer and I’ve been shot in the arm.
me tracking my package 5 minutes after i just ordered it
These dogs look like they have good credit.
back in the day, my idiot friends and i used to pump our right fists in the air and say “right arm” instead of “right on” my god how are we still alive
Got my daughter a one-dollar gift card to the Dollar Store and told her to get whatever she wants.
I need this dude and coffin dancers and I’m set!
You know before I had kids I was only vaguely aware that Saturday had a 7am.
ENTER PASSWORD
> bench85
PASSWORD TOO WEAK. TRY AGAIN.
> bench285
BRO!
My 12 year old can explain the difference between a sociopath and a psychopath.
I think about that a lot when I’m trying to get to sleep.
no bullshit scientists really nailed it when they named the big toe
I only eat chips because I feel that people would judge me if I ate the dip with a spoon
Spend $250 on your kid playing soccer so they can tell you the only thing they enjoyed is the popsicle at the end of the game
Why are you wearing that outfit again?
Me: Because I paid for it and I have a washing machine
[cooking class]
chef: now you just introduce them to the pan
me: ok … um, this is john scallop
I have an emotional support chicken roasting in the oven.
Friend: wow you can actually sing!
Me at 2 beers: lol stfu
Me at 9 beers: we are a band now
Yeah I like bananas. When they’re almost yellow but still have a tiny bit of green near the stem. So for about a bananosecond.
This could be the Alcohol talking but….
OMG you guys! The ALCOHOL is TALKING!
Apple CEO Tim Cook has come out as gay. This totally explains why the new iPhone charger holes became tighter after Steve Jobs died.
What’s it called when you wake up and have to delete 73% of your tweets from last night. Alcohol, it’s called alcohol.
Sign at work today