To avoid the risk of dangerous paradoxes I use my time machine only to skip, rewind & pause my TV shows; also saving $10/mo on renting a DVR
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“Yes mam that’ll be $1200”
“Just to remove a cassette tape that’s stuck?”
“Ma’m, it’s in your CD player”
I have a picture of my uncle standing on a tank he and two buddies destroyed in WWII. I cut my fingernails too short and I might stay home.
When life handed Chuck Norris lemons, he made chocolate pudding.
We were just four regular guys who became legends thanks to karoke night and The Spice Girls
I hate when you get hit by a car while walking down the street and texting and no one is in the car and it’s parked on the side of the road.
That “Barbie” movie is so popular they should make some merch for it. Maybe an actual doll or something.
Where does the Easter Bunny lay his eggs?!
In the grass..
So WHAT DO WE SMOKE TO CELEBRATE?!
[all the children]
Grass??
Yessssss.
once i get some clearasil, it’s over for you blotches
Convertibles are great if you want to arrive at your destination looking like a startled wookiee.
There are many reasons relationships don’t work out.
DIstance should never be one of them.
You want them?
Go get them Xxx
You people are tweeting a lot about this eclipse for people who claim to never go outside
Fact: If you eat a slice of pizza fast enough, your body won’t understand how many calories are in it.
Just learned that land on earth was covered in moss for 40 million years. Imagine getting to one million years of just moss thinking that you gotta be done with moss any day now and then you learn it’s 39 million more years of moss
This is not the inflation I learned about in clown school.
Are you thinking of putting a dozen Cheerios in a ring box on the kitchen counter with a sign that says “Honey, I Shrunk The Donuts”, just to keep your marriage exciting, or are you normal?
Really had myself thinking I was doing ok financially until I went shopping for a couch.
You can change your cat’s name every day. They don’t care.
when I die, mix my ashes with the potato salad at the wake. I want people to mourn my passing twice
COP: Is this man bothering you, Sir?
ME: that’s my wife
This is now a ‘I have washed my hands’ emoji 🙌
I got a weather service alert that my area is under a flash flood warning and to “take immediate action” so I bought a boat on Amazon. I don’t know I feel like they could be more specific.
Two days in a row someone has tried using my Apple Card to buy flowers. Buddy, walk over to your neighbors garden and steal some roses like a real man. The world has gone soft.
My wife got home and was mad when she saw I fed my son cake, banana, popcorn and M&M’s for dinner. I was like, “You saw the banana, right?”
Spanish for wife – “esposa”
Spanish for handcuffs – “esposas”
Well played, Spanish
I give it a month and all of us will have buzz cuts.
I JUST WON MY EASTER EGG HUNT!!! Those 8 year olds didn’t stand a chance to my pushing and sprinting. It was kinda like taking candy from a baby!
Instead of asking pregnant friends if they know the baby’s gender, I ask if they know the species, that way I don’t have to worry about being invited to the baby shower
The Kardashians is what happens when you feed a gremlin after midnight.
October 31st, 2187: Sugar is now illegal. Parents search their kid’s Halloween bags to make sure the razor blades don’t have candy in them.
Genie: what are your three wishes
Me: make me a waffle
[suddenly I am a waffle]
Me: no, like a waffle to eat
[in a flash waffle me is on a plate]
Me: no! for me to eat
[a much larger me sits down in front of the plate]