[to baby crying for 45 mins]
WHY ARE YOU CRYING YOU LIVE HERE FOR FREE
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Day 3 in the desert: I have somehow gained the respect of some birds as they are circling above me in some sort of protective formation
I thought stacking Oreos and displaying them in a decorative jar was a great idea, but I’m just eating them instead.
I will flirt with you but honestly neither of us will have any idea it’s happening
6yo: Wow you look much better already daddy! Will you be able to have the stitches out soon?
Taxidermist: He will not
Assume that everyone, no matter what the situation, is doing improv theatre for your amusement.
next time i open up to someone is during surgery
My kid saw a pic of teen me and almost thought it was her. I pointed to myself and said look close, here’s your future. To which she replied, “not if I take care of myself, mom”.
Free to good home. Vaccines are up to date.
Listen. You’ve been saying this for the last eight and a half months. I still don’t know what you’re “expecting”
No one has done the dishes for like a week so I finally did the responsible thing and bought some paper plates.
I was the only one wearing a mask in the supermarket this morning, so I made everyone empty their pockets.
My friend has canceled our lunch plans three days in a row. I’m starting to think she really doesn’t like lunch.
I asked a friend if he’d eat a piece of dog crap for $1K and he asked “From whose dog?” I’m having a hard time accepting that as a factor.
I get my eyes from my Dad & the ability to find something wrong with almost anything from my Mom
I’ll go first…
Bad Boys. 😏
The ants won’t go in the poison traps so I made some modifications to lure them in
I started an argument in a Yahoo! chat room back in 1999 that is still going on.
I need a hobby. I’ve been over on Insta, commenting ‘what kind of dog is this?’ On people’s bird pics.
Me: I can’t believe it’s not butter!!
Wife: Well, that’s suntan lotion so I don’t know why you’re surprised
Me: *continues eating
Bill Gates is giving 100k to help develop a better & safer condom. I don’t care how good it is, im not wearing a condom that says Microsoft.
And I spent so many nights
Growing hairier with mould
And now I’m old,
Past the date I should be sold
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
Tomb = Toom
Womb = Woom
Bomb = Boom
WAITER: may i suggest the steak
VAMPIRE: no you certainly may not
My kids are starting to ask questions that I don’t know the answers to so I’m going to have to trade them in for dumber models.
I know you’re not supposed to hug the old lady giving out samples at Costco, but the sausage she gave me had cheese inside. Cheese.In.Side.
Writer: Got this great idea for a movie… “102 Dalmations.”
Walt Disney: That’s way too many dalmations.
If you died and became a ghost haunting a graveyard you’d save ~$800 a month in rent. That’s over 600k a year. Being broke is a mindset and there’s no excuse for it
why stack your tupperware when you can chunk it into the cabinet and close the door before it falls out.
Goodnight everyone except the guy who invented that thing that shows that you are typing something
As they strap me into the electric chair, I realize the warden is about to discover the 3 ounces of contraband popcorn kernels I have up my rectum.