To be fair, I did a lot of stupid shit before I was married too. Now I just have someone who judges me for it.
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How much more of this can I take?
* piles food on buffet plate *
My brother used, as wrapping paper, the €70 wallpaper that Mum had bought to redecorate rooms. Cannot cope ahahah
First Christmas argument underway.
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My husband grabbed a lightsaber and challenged our daughter to a battle. She ran to the kitchen and grabbed a knife.
BOSS: it’s national replace H’s with F’s day
ME: really?
BOSS: yep, you’re hired!
ME: hahaha-wait
BOSS: get out
ME: what the huck?
No horror movie can surpass the sensation of touching your pockets and not feeling your cell phone.
Doctor: You have acute appendicitis.
Me: And you have a cute face. Drinks?
911: What’s your emergency?
I’m being held hostage by the Swedish mafia!
911: Are you being tortured?
They’re making me put together an IKEA Poäng chair
911: Just asking for a friend, but what color?
Whenever there’s a bee trapped inside my house, I always open all the doors and windows so all the other bees can join it and it doesn’t die alone.
mechanic: the replacement part is gonna cost $1200
me: *did research and knows the average price is $300 so I should go somewhere else* okay
have an idea for a hot wings restaurant. the wings are free, but napkins cost $100…
Area 51? I thought we were all gonna storm Forever 21.
Judge: Ms Spears, how do you plea?
“I’m not. that. innocent.”
*frustrated defense counsel tosses like 9000 papers in the air*
People don’t disappear in the Bermuda Triangle like they used to.
Has anyone tried switching it off and back on again?
Of course I’ll buy a harmonica for a 3 year old. He doesn’t live with me
H: I’m going to the store.
M: Why don’t you take my truck?
[3 hrs later]
H: Your truck was out of gas, the tires needed air and it needed an oil change.
M: You don’t say? Huh, weird. *sips wine*
These are troubling times, but as an incredibly drunk philosopher once said, “you can’t make lemonade without breaking a few eggs”
Are you supposed to wear the fanny pack over the gut or underneath it? I don’t want to look like a dork.
Friend: My car is making a weird noise
Me: Have you tried essential oils?
[hospital]
Me: this knee surgery will be a breeze!
Nurse: you have a great attitude!
Me: well even my blood type is B Positive : )
Nurse: aw : )
[funeral]
My Widow: his blood type was not B Positive.
At the motel:
Front Desk: And here’s your key card sir ..
Me: I’d like a wakeup call.
FD: You’re 20 lbs. overweight and your fly’s open.
His last words were, “I’m just going to tell her to calm down, and remind her that she still hasn’t made dinner.”
I am not saying I am way behind on laundry but the fact that my husband is wearing swim trunks around the house today sure does
Top 3 questions asked by my parents:
3) How’s the business?
2) Do you have a girlfriend?
1) Why are you stealing from our refrigerator?
Just saw a ‘Jesus 2020’ sign and I had no idea he was running
*turns on the passenger seat warmer, for the pizza
When you go to therapy they should get to ask three people in your life what your problem is before you start.
[american civil war]
soldier: god this is terrible I hope no one reenacts this
When I see a man with long fingernails, my first thought is wizard
My second thought is virgin wizard
card machine: insert chip card into reader
me: ok
card machine: do NOT remove card
me: uhh ok i wo-
card machine: REMOVE THE CARD YOU PIECE OF SHIT