To be fair, if I had a friend who could turn water into wine – I’d worship him too.

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doc: i think you’re dying

me: I want a second opinion

doc: i think it’s great


[i read a pun]
me: ugh, no

[i make a pun]


Just heard a lady tell a 4yo to “get it together!” I’m not sure she knows how 4yos work.


I JUST WON MY EASTER EGG HUNT!!! Those 8 year olds didn’t stand a chance to my pushing and sprinting. It was kinda like taking candy from a baby!


I’ve cleaned the entire house so no one is allowed to live here anymore.


the host of the party told me to make myself comfortable so I went back home to bed


Therapist: Do you have a support system?

Me: I have a lumbar pillow.

Therapist: No, I mean a family, friends?

Me: I have a lumbar pillow.


I’ll give up my thesaurus when you pry it from my frigid, frosty, frozen, cadaverous, lifeless, stiff, defunct extremities.


Doc this part of my evaluation where it says psychotic, can you change it to madcap?