@TrophyCatas

To be fair, if I had a friend who could turn water into wine – I’d worship him too.

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@FredTaming

doc: i think you’re dying

me: I want a second opinion

doc: i think it’s great

@MavenofHonor

[i read a pun]
me: ugh, no

[i make a pun]
me: BEHOLD THE ARTISTRY

@FatherWithTwins

Just heard a lady tell a 4yo to “get it together!” I’m not sure she knows how 4yos work.

@metickleu

I JUST WON MY EASTER EGG HUNT!!! Those 8 year olds didn’t stand a chance to my pushing and sprinting. It was kinda like taking candy from a baby!

@AsgardianRose

I’ve cleaned the entire house so no one is allowed to live here anymore.

@canadasandra

the host of the party told me to make myself comfortable so I went back home to bed

@EyalTweet

Therapist: Do you have a support system?

Me: I have a lumbar pillow.

Therapist: No, I mean a family, friends?

Me: I have a lumbar pillow.

@LindaInDisguise

I’ll give up my thesaurus when you pry it from my frigid, frosty, frozen, cadaverous, lifeless, stiff, defunct extremities.

@JimmerThatisAll

Doc this part of my evaluation where it says psychotic, can you change it to madcap?