To be fair, if I had a friend who could turn water into wine – I’d worship him too.
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Me: We spend a lot of time together.
Her: Turn left.
Me: Just think we should take this to the next level.
Her: Arriving at destination.
my body’s saying “let’s go,” but my heart is saying “a pet iguana is a huge responsibility, mark.”
If you capitalize ‘him’ in your tweets I’m gonna automatically assume you’re subtweeting god.
Realizing im one of those people who peaked in high school because that was the last time an authority figure accused me of being a witch
Just when you’ve built some confidence that you’re a smarter than average human, universe sends you captcha.
Doctor: Exactly how long have you been incontinent
Me: *pooping my pants* I’ve actually never left North America doc
14: (setting his alarm for 5am)
11: Why so early?
14: Because Mom is going to take a million first day of school pictures. And it’s going to take forever.
Me: That is correct.
Me: I can’t do anything right
Therapist: You’re in my chair
You’re not respected until you’ve been led away from a buffet by police.
A beautiful woman said hi to me at the store and I panicked and said Merry Christmas.
If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
Just enjoy the pool, I don’t need to see a picture of your feet by it.
Pregnant women go through a “nesting” phase where they make a tree fort out of twigs and parts of men they’ve killed.
you ever take a long hard look at yourself and think, “wow, i should really clean this mirror.”
Me: Look! I took the giant box that the t.v. came in & made it into a really cool cat house!
Mom: So you’re still not dating anyone, I see.
When you get mad but you’re one of the nicest people ever…😂🐮🐑
They say every piece of bacon takes 9 minutes off of your life expectancy. So according to my math, I should have died somewhere around the spring of 1483.
Forgot to mute myself on a Zoom call while my kids were home and my boss gave me three extra weeks of vacation.
Sorry I can’t pay for a new car right now, I’m still paying off a Naked Juice I bought in 2014
Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.
Her: You accepted your flaws?
Me: No. I accepted your flaws.
I don’t need anyone to motivate me to say what I think, I need someone to remind me to shut up.
I told my sandwich to “go make me a girlfriend”
“Welcome to D.A.D.D.D.S. Dads Against Dads Doing Dumb Shit. Repeat after me.”
[whole room] “AFTER ME”
“Ok fellas, lets start here”
With trump being a potential candidate I feel like the Simpsons are sitting on their couch watching an episode of us
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
I told my therapist that I was suffering from affluenza.
He diagnosed me with delusions of grandeur!
#jokes
*approaches a girl, tips hat* M’lady.
*approaches a material girl, tips hat* M’donna.
Update: Gingerbread men are actually incredibly slow and delicious
[At the job interview]
“Why did you leave your last job?”
“They took a vote.”
Dora: what was your favorite part of our journey?
Me: I liked the part where we went over the purple bridge into the candy forest.
Dora: *stares blankly*
Me:
Dora:
Me:
Dora:
Me:
Dora:
Me: *nervous sweating*
Dora: that was my favorite part too!
Me: Oh thank god