To be fair, “old-fashioned” doesn’t necessarily mean racist; it could also mean sexist.
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Me – how about a Border Collie
Wife- they have long hair, too much shedding
Me- *pulling a clump of hair out of the shower drain* so shedding is a issue?
At an art museum and I thought this was art
It’s unfair to call me lactose intolerant when you consider what I’m willing to go through for lactose.
Memo means idiot in Spanish. So yeah, I’ve written plenty of memoirs.
I’ll never forget my 8th grade teacher. She was a 12-foot snake monster. Had 4 heads. Ate 7 desks. Killed a kid. Really made an impression.
Recipes be like you’ll need an 1/8 tsp of this really hard to find item. Also, it’s gonna cost $125
Disney movies taught me there’s nothing I can’t accomplish as long as my parents die a brutal untimely death.
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about two kids who break into an old lady’s house, steal her stuff, and murder her.
when you’re a gargoyle but also afraid of heights
[buried under a pile of geese]
Ah yes, murder most fowl. Excellent.
Me: Shhh. You have to keep it down or my husband will hear us.
*Me talking to a loud, crinkly sleeve of Girl Scout Cookies.
The most important part of living undetected in someone’s attic is to have fun and be yourself
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
Maybe Bowser is mad at Mario because he’s terrible at plumbing, flooded with castle with lava, and left exposed unfinished pipes everywhere…
One of my 4 nephews just brought me wine and said, “Here’s your Christmas juice,” and now he’s the one I’m leaving everything to.
THE TOP TEN WORDS OF 2012!!
1. End
2. Of
3. Year
4. Top
5. Ten
6. Lists
7. Are
8. Exercises
9. In
10. Stupidity
What’s the best way to commemorate the 500th episode of your podcast and why is it throwing yourself into an active volcano?
I admire my upstairs neighbours’ commitment to cleanliness as they fire up their diesel-powered vacuum to clean their hardwood floors at 11:43 pm
My Doberman sits on other dogs to assert dominance. I’m going to try this with my co-workers.
If I win Poweball we’re all gonna have a party with SOOO much cocai…cake!
5: I can count to 90!
Me: Really? Show me!
5: Ok here we go…
1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
9
10
11
12
13
14
15
16
17
18
90Me: Nailed it.
Was dating this chick whose cat used to poop in her tub all the time. I only did it once and she broke up with me. WTF?
When my in-laws kindly told me to treat them as if they were my own family I graciously obliged.
I don’t speak to my own family either.
I PASSED THE BAR!
On the way to work and I didn’t go in! Yay me!
I waved to a man because I thought he waved at me.
Apparently he waved to an other woman. So to get out of the awkward situation I kept my hand up and a taxi pulled over and drove me to the airport. I am now in Poland starting a new life.
A Harvard professor says I should only eat six French fries per serving. When I have PMS I can easily eat six Harvard professors in one sitting though.
I was having a good weekend until my plans got cancelled.
Now I’m having a great weekend.
Feeling so jealous of the students in stone age. They didn’t have to study history too much because nothing had happened yet.
They named it Galaxy Note because when you take this thing out of your pocket, the entire Galaxy can note that it’s been taken out.
That one time (today) I stabbed my eyeball with the stick part of my sunglasses.