to be Frank, i would have to change my name.
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[person at the grocery store is crowding my personal space]
me: oh hi do you work here can i ask you a question
[person at the grocery store is immediately no longer crowding my personal space]
No, I don’t want to hang out at your house. Your pot to snacks ratio is all off.
Sorry I told you that you should probably take down your Halloween profile picture when you had already put your normal picture up days ago.
My daughter saw my mascara brand was called better than sex and asked what that meant so I said it meant better than secretaries cause they write and holy shit pray for me she doesn’t google it.
me: I made a model of the himalayas
friend: did you build them to scale?
me: no, just to look at
friend: what
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re paranoid.”
Me: “My resume has been talking behind my back?”
It’s weird how we get born in the same city as our favorite sports teams
My girlfriend was bitten by a chicken. Now every full moon I’ll have to date a were-chicken.
Told my kid I was going to check her room because she told me she cleaned it, and she negotiated a five minute head start in case she “missed something.”
Apostrophes are important.
“I fed the dog”
“I f’ed the dog”
Learn this simple rule. Your friendship with Sarah McLachlan depends on it.
Jupiter
Dear God, please turn my whistling coworker into a bird so he can fly far, far far away from here.
verbiage sounds like something you’re not getting enough of in your diet
The Last Dance just keeps getting better
*2 ghosts walk into a bar*
That’s it.
Everyone left screaming.
A good anvil is very expensive. It would be great if they fell out of the sky once in a while.
[commercial for Facebook]
*man sits in tree, watching friends from high school through binoculars*
“Don’t you wish there were a better way?”
IT guy: what seems to be the problem
me: hi uhh my computer won’t turn off and back on again
IT guy: [covers phone] what do I do
Me too, tin of tuna. Me too.
son: daddy, do you believe in the Boogie Man?
me: I used to, but not anymore
[from under the bed]: I forgot to pick you up from the airport ONE TIME!
Half of my Avengers socks have disappeared
Me: [gets coffee]
News: [election updates]
Me: [adds vodka to coffee]
This one time, I got kicked out of the audience of “Cats” on Broadway for bringing a laser pointer.
Jack Ryan, Jack Reacher…
Maybe it’s time we gave someone named Jerry a chance to solve a murder
[concert]
Lead Singer: HOW’S EVERYBODY DOING TONIGHT
Crowd: WOOOO
Me (from the back row): fine how are you
Lead Singer: I’M GOOD THANKS FOR ASKING
“Wow, it’s pouring out there.”
“Just let a smile be your umbrella!”
“That’s not how rain works, Karen.”
Twitter: You have 87 notifications
Me: Nice
Gmail: You have 7 emails
Me: Oh FOR THE LOVE OF CHRIST
[First Date]
Her: I love Christmas.Me (trying to impress her): *Pretending I got a phone call* Sorry, it’s my boss, I need to take this. Yes? Oh, hello SANTA.
MASSEUSE: I’m sensing a lot of stress
ME: [thinking about my car full of bees] Work
I just broke two of my dad’s old Queen Records. Now I want to break three.