To be frank, I’ll need to commit an identity fraud.
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magician: can i get a volunteer from the audience
me: *already sawing myself in half*
In every IKEA there is a magical filing cabinet labeled raccoons, DO NOT OPEN THIS FILING CABINET!
I haven’t been to Target since February. I wonder how it’s even staying in business without me.
[Wendy’s Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: Ok let’s role play. You’re working the drive through and I’m a customer ordering.
ME: Sir please get back in your car.
INTERVIEWER: {under breath} Brilliant.
It’s bullshit that retirement homes have a minimum age. Being old and feeble is a mindset, let me in
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
This place has ruined me, I watched my mate trip and comically fall to the ground and my first reactions were: giggle and yell “parkour”.
*arrives in Las Vegas for first time at age 36*
Me: (in taxi on the Strip) Oh hell yes there’s a Walgreens AND a CVS next to my hotel.
Sandwich: Hi. Barman: Sorry, we dont serve food in here.
I wonder if the guy I’m interviewing knows this isn’t for a cologne model position.
And then there were 4
A dying fire will always attract a dad with a stick who will poke it twice and say, “…that should do it.”
Computer: choose a password
Me: mysocks
Computer: confirm password
Me: mysocks
Computer: passwords do not match
Saw an Amazon truck drop a kid off at school this morning. Didn’t know that was an option.
X-rays are dangerous, they were probably less harmful when they were just rays, but after the breakup…
her: *opening valentine’s day gift* are these abacus beads?
me: it’s the little things that count
My cat is walking a very fine line between being cute & being sold to the Korean restaurant down the street.
My 12yo busted into our room with a Nerf gun. She made eye contact with her dad and really went for it. My husband was sitting with our 6yo. He immediately turned into a force field to protect her. I have so much respect for that man because I would’ve used our 6yo as a shield.
Noah build an ark
“what? why”
I’m gunna flood the earth
“just give me fish powers”
[jealous he didn’t think of that] JUST DO WHAT I SAY!
Bread as a loaf, bread as a bowl. Bread as a slice or bread as a roll. Bread is delicious, it is a fact. Whoopi’s best movie was Sister Act.
I wonder about the people who unfollow after one day. What were they expecting, Louis C.K.?
Historian : Rome wasn’t built in a day.
Me : [Trying to impress the girls] He’s right, you know, it was built in Italy.
I was going to eat a healthy snack, then I remembered that time when Eve ate an apple. Figured, it’s better not risk it.
Back to the Future IV: Marty Mcfly stops being obsessed with his own family and goes back in time to kill Hitler.
[at hotel]
Friend: Heard your wife last night…she’s a screamer
[flashback to my toenail scratching her leg in bed]
Me: Yep, nailed her
Review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
I love the smell of relapse in the morning
Him: I’m sorry, can we start over?
Me: great idea! You introduce yourself, and this time I’ll keep walking.
Me: if I’m not superman then explain THIS! *rips shirt open*
Her: um you’re not wearing the costume
Me: pretty strong though