To be honest, the only thing I really like about being a grownup is getting to eat a Popsicle right after I finish eating a Popsicle.
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Just ran a .3K (Ice cream truck wouldn’t stop)
Friend: Sorry I’ve been so busy! I got my master’s in genetic engineering, singlehandedly solved a murder, invented time travel, discovered a new Pi number, climbed Mt. Everest and taught myself to read Sumerian. What have you been up to???
Me: I’ve been super into cereal lately
Punctuation Matters. Period.
Should I ever go missing, please don’t let the news use my 7th grade picture.
Me: your honor, my client is criminally insane
Judge: you’re representing yourself
The one upside to triplets is that you finally have enough babies to juggle
I like to say something disgusting which makes someone else say something more disgusting then I call them a pervert.
What I say and what I mean are three different things.
It happened. I witnessed the most Philly thing ever.
A fight broke out DURING a showing of the Mister Rogers movie.
[Day at the beach]
*Puts suits on kids, slathers them with sunscreen, makes sandwiches, packs cooler, packs beach bags, lugs 50 lbs or crap to beach, trudges over sand, lays out blanket, puts up umbrella, sets up beach chairs, *
6yo after 30 minutes: I wanna go back home
Men love me.
Germs fear me.Or vice versa, whatever
Having a kitten around is great, because I was definitely missing being randomly assaulted by five pounds of panicky barbed wire as silent as a shadow in my life.
Wow… the headline was intriguing, but the payoff was beyond my wildest expectations
How long do I need to wait after getting the vaccine before I can start wiping my boogers on strangers in public again?
Daughter: Mom! I’m bringing Carl home to meet you guys this weekend
Me: I should warn you, we’re going to be nude this weekend
Her: What??
Me: Yes, Friday to Sunday with no clothes
Her: Why?
Me: We want to be naked
Her: Why can’t you just admit you don’t like him
Me: So naked
Sometimes when my husband gets too comfy I like to whisper sexy suggestions like how amazing the neighbor’s lawn has been looking so I can watch him leap out of his chair and rage mow our yard into perfection
Me: *eating ribs*
Morgue Attendant: *crying fearfully*
A woman was charged with stalking after sending 65,000 text messages.
Which one of you was it?
The twelve days of Christmas be like:
Days 1-4: Birds
Day 5: FINALLY, A DECENT GIFT
Days 6-7: oh… more birds
Days 8-12: Slavery(?)
*rides in on giant turtle*
Me:Sorry I’m late.
Boss:You rode that to work?
Me:No, went to the zoo.
*phone rings*
Me:That’ll be the zoo.
[filling out birth certificate]
Me: we’re naming him Greg
Doctor who used to be Starbucks barista: [writes “Grork”]
Pro tip: If you keep a glass of wine in each hand you can’t accidentally touch your face.
When I say the word ‘laboratory’ I quietly say it like a mad scientist in my head: la-bore-ra-tori
Let’s take a ouija board to the graveyard and make some prank calls
When I was in college our house got robbed. My roommate took the cops to my room and they said wow they trashed this room and she said no that’s just how she lives. I think about that sometimes.
people are attacking at me with pitchforks simply because i choose to lay still under piles of hay, straw, and leaves at times.
“son, I’ve had to throw my golf socks out”
“Why dad? cos you got… A HOLE IN ONE? HAHA”
“No son. I killed a man. They’re covered in blood”
“YES, BACON TOTALLY CAUSES CANCER!” – pigs
No your muscles are too big. I don’t want a boyfriend who makes me exercise.
You know she’s a keeper when after your aircraft crashes in the frigid Andes Mountains you catch one another eyeing the surviving passengers like a menu.