To be honest you were our third choice for this poisoner job but the other two got poiso… oh that was you, nice
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To use Google efficiently, write like Tarzan. “good tacos boston”
HER: I wanna be your everything.
ME: That’s great, cause I need a therapist.
HER: No, not like-
ME: So doc *lays on couch* I feel like my girlfriend’s moving too fast.
You can’t make me happy, you’re not a bag of chips.
Mom told me to quit calling the postman a mail escort.
imagine going to a job interview then they pull out a hotdog, dip it in ketchup, and begin taking notes
I’d exercise more often if running didn’t spill the whiskey in my glass.
How come Ex-Lax never has coupons for a “Big Blowout Sale”???
Me (on a plane): oh dang my friends are going to flip when I send a pic of this airplane wing and the clouds
Absolutely delighted that our new Baggage Handling facilities are cutting waiting times.
Police: Sir, you account is hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Police: No, bank account.
Me: Oh, thank god !!
Teenagers are most fun when they’re asked to clean up the mess they’ve made themselves.
A guy just tried to mansplain me what a sawhorse is but I shut him down because I am well aware that it’s the past tense of seahorse! Ok, thanksbuhbye.
When we go back to in-person office meetings, I’m going to start out by soundlessly moving my lips until people yell at me, just for continuity.
Me: I want ice cr-
Girl who studied abroad: the gelato in Italy is soooo much better than ice cream. Trust me, I’ve been to Italy
Texts “Are you okay?” Blink 3 times. No need to reply.
Kelly Ayotte says “Donald Trump is absolutely a role model for kids.” She’s right, kids don’t pay taxes either.
Mosquito’s are like dirty used needles, that can fly.
Dude with 7 followers is criticizing my jokes. That’s not a Twitter account. It’s a group text.
day 9 in quarantine: On my way to working from home
[Opportunity knocks]
Me: I’m not answering. You should’ve sent a text first.
So NASA found evidence there’s a parallel universe next to ours and honestly if 2020 gets any worse I’m grabbing my family and we’re bookin a flight outta here. I hear flights are hella cheap right now.
My toddler woke me up last night to tell me it wasn’t morning yet, which to be honest is the same level of hard hitting journalism cable news provides.
I told the hubs someone must’ve broke in and stole his phone charger.
He’ll believe that before he’ll agree he misplaced it somewhere.
We shouldn’t send our trash into space, that’s how you get space raccoons
[Heaven]
Me: What happened?
God: You were sending a DM & got hit by a bus.
Me: I only have one ques-
God: Sorry, man. She was totes a dude.
[First day as a driving instructor]
“Okay kid, reverse. Keep going and stop when you hear a bang.”
You know who else doesn’t leave another man’s girlfriend alone?
Mosquitos
Soulmate sounds like something Satan puts in his coffee.
Everyone talking about a baby boom in nine months can only be talking about first borns
The last thing anyone quarantined at home with kids right now wants is more kids
Still laughing at this stupid meme