Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sometimes I go to the beach just to show those handsome young men what they’ll look like in twenty years.

If I have a son, he’s going to be named Alvin Simon Theodore, and it’ll be funny as hell whenever anyone gets mad and yells his full name.

[amusement park]

me: *arms up, screaming*

cashier: but that is the price

Friend: Are you on social media?

Me, panicked: What’s a Twitter? Never heard of it. Nice foot clothes you’re wearing today.

I don’t want to sound like an alarmist but
Wooooop Wooooop
Rearrearrearrear
Booloo Booloo Booloo
Weeuuuweeuuuweeuuu
Beeep Beeep Beeep Beeep

Kanye forcing Owen Wilson to lie in the back seat of his car & make comments on the road so he can pretend he’s driving Lightning McQueen.

Shout out to sidewalks.

Thanks for keeping me off the streets.

I would describe the cologne on the guy who was just in the elevator with me as “all of it.”

When it’s “buy one, get one free,” I have them put the free one in a separate bag so I don’t get them mixed up.

[on my deathbed]

me: make sure the kids remember their dear ol’ dad

wife: dave isn’t old

me: what