to be perfectly honest, loose dogs seem like the lesser issue here
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When people are flirting in the replies to your tweet.
Construction worker: *whistles* Damn girl, you always move like that?
Me: [crab walking] yes, I’m a Cancer
My kid started doing this annoying preteen whiny voice and now I can turn my head all the way around like the exorcist.
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
Enrages me when I see guys using cute dogs to pick up chicks. It’s like, why did I have kids.
Love it! 👍😂
“OMG, it’s so big!”
(Your ego)
I am not gullible. I am just easily tricked- which someone told me is different.
what happens if the bachelor chooses to love himself
A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light
Being illiterate and having a girlfriend would be easy. They’d be like “did you get my text?” and you could just be like “I can’t read.”
I want to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti.
I just want a future archaeologist to have a great day.
Think you’re a tough guy?
Go eat a package of Oreos in the middle of a crowded gym.
“Hi-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Do y-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Excuse m-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“I JUST WANNA KNOW WHERE THE BATHROOM IS.”
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite Disney movie where the curse sounds amazing.
I know this is only our second date, but can I use your bathroom real quick?
Her: Of course…
*walks out 26 minutes later*
Thanks.
Everyone keeps returning to the same hypothetical. If loving you is wrong…
Bullshit.
What if loving you is gross? That’s the question.
[hanging out in my basement]
Wife: You know, this room could really use more natural light.
Me: Help yourself. There’s plenty in the fridge.
Last night, during dinner, my 7 year old son said….
I need a pen and paper to write down the recipe for this so that when I have children I can make it for them because it’s really nice.
So apparently, he has his whole life planned out, including meals.
Lord, give me the confidence and attitude of my toddler at dance class. Amen
One way to handle social anxiety is to pretend you are a ghost & people are staring at you because they have a gift they never asked for
Those gender reveal parties are getting crazier and crazier
Sing it!
A banana republic is just a regular republic that’s happy to see you.
[apiary]
ME: Are you the beekeeper?
BEEKEEPER: Yup
ME: Can I get some?
BEEKEEPER: Nope
ME: Is it because you k—
BEEKEEPER: I keep them
*registering with a doctor*
Receptionist: “Thanks for filling in the form – you’ve missed the next of kin section”
*batman runs out crying*
WIFE: my battery died, do you have something that can power my cell?
ME: [sips from World’s Greatest Science Teacher mug] ᵗʰᵉ ᵐᶦᵗᵒᶜʰᵒⁿᵈʳᶦᵃ
The reason I switched from a backpack to a messenger bag is so that I look more classy and professional carrying nothing but snacks to work.
If you had a terrible childhood, you’ll be super-bummed out by Bank of America’s options for security questions.
Is Fergie totally done spelling stuff? Because “mischievous” sometimes stumps me and I’d appreciate a song about it.