“To boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What?”
“I said boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What happened to the to?”
“It split.”
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“It’s a girl!” but it’s just my family finding out that our dog is not a boy like we thought for the last two months.
A survival horror where Mr. & Mrs. Potato Head blunder into a Five Guys
I think it’s adorable when kids lose their teeth, they look like tiny meth addicts.
Which is worse: that I had to wear a Frozen bandaid cuz all the regular ones were taken or that I spent 5 min. deciding between Anna & Elsa?
Me: Why are you digging in your ear?
3: Daddy pulled out coins yesterday and I’m looking for more for my piggy bank!
Me: Well in this economy it can’t hurt to try
[at hairstylist]
Make me look like I’m running really fast.
I’ve become obsessed with the idea that Jesus was a terrible guitarist but no one told him to stop because they were afraid of his dad.
“You busy tonight?”
Me: That 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
Well maybe don’t invite me over if I can’t rearrange your furniture.
-Brain: Too expensive, you’ll never wear it. Don’t buy this dress.
-Heart: But what are you going to wear if someone takes you to a ball in their castle in France?
Sure, intimacy is great and all, but have you ever slept diagonally on a king size bed.
When you don’t know if the headache you have is due to dehydration, stress, or lack of coffee so you just drink more coffee.
FUN FACT: next time you ask someone to pass a roll of toilet paper to you under a bathroom stall door gently grasp their hand and challenge them to a thumb war. They legally have to accept.
The Mayan calendar didn’t end in 2012, they just sold the calendar technology to a billionaire from another continent who promised to make it “better”
Thanks for sharing your moon with me on Instagram. We don’t have a moon where I live.
Me: *stuffing a ham into my pillow*
Wife: what are you doing
Me: it’s in case someone tries to stuff a ham into my pillow, they’ll be like “ah damn”
I was just about to have sex but then a gust of wind blew my condom into a labyrinth and like a fool I ran in to get it
MOM: [walks into daughter’s room, sees protest signs, history books, list of senators’ phone numbers on bed] Are you… politically active?
ENTRY LEVEL JOB OPENING:
Hiring recent college gradsREQUIREMENTS:
5 years of experience, 6 Olympic gold medals, and superpowers.
I’m not mad, I’m just frustrated.
-people that are about to start ugly crying
I luv putting on warm underwear straight out of the DRYER…
Plus, it’s fun to figure out who they belong to at the laundromat.
employment tip: when the interviewer says you will “wear a lot of hats,” they don’t mean they’re going to give you a bunch of cool hats. they’re just going to make you do a bunch of jobs. it’s all very sad
Get noticed by more companies on LinkedIn by adding af to the end of all of your job titles.
I was reading a book with my 7yo where a teacher was getting married and INVITED ALL HER STUDENTS and then the students started SECRETLY PLANNING THE WEDDING to help out and I was so stressed out like “wtf, how is this gonna pan out, these kids don’t know how to hire a band”
“Calzone” is just an Italian word to make you feel better about eating a Hot Pocket in public.
Microsoft Word just suggested that I change “you’re” to “you is” so yes, I am very very afraid of what the future of education holds.
Dear Snapchat, I don’t care what I look like as a strawberry, just give me a filter that makes me look like I showered.
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, but they stay for the intelligent discourse about Benghazi
Surround yourself with people who will groom your eyebrows should you ever become comatose
Ryan Reynolds Said What?!