To borrow a biblical term, couldn’t the quest for a Covid-19 vaccine be called “the road to de-mask us?”
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So few educational toys today! As a kid, my Tonka dump truck taught me not to pinch the shit out of my finger between two metal parts.
I have seen lots of recipes for things to make from leftover chocolate from Easter this week. Which leads me to the question: what is leftover chocolate?
I’m at the point in life where if a girl dresses up in a french maid outfit I’d be more happy if she actually just cleaned my house for me..
Old people like to get up at 4am so they can go sit in chairs and fall back asleep
MARATHON RUNNER: [breaks through ribbon at finish line]
GUY WHO LOVES MARATHONS: Hooray
GUY WHO LOVES RIBBONS: What the shit
My new years resolution is to stop biting my toenails. Nervous habit I picked up during all these meetings at work.
Alexa tell Roomba to get the spider.
Me: I’m gonna search the periodic table for relief from my cramps haha get it?
Him: Actually there are elements that can help. Magnesium for example is calming and-
Me: What’s the symbol for arsenic?
Calling me at 2 am for sex is disgusting, where are your morals??where is your self respect?? What is your address?? where are we meeting?? where do I park my car??
*looks at phone to check the time
*watches TikTok videos for 4 hours
*lands on other planet*
“Take me to your pain medication”
I grew up between two pig farms. So, you had me at “farm fresh” and lost me at “air.”
Listening to a global economy futurist. Pretty sure in 20 years Chinese parents will say “Clean your plate, people in the US are starving.”
i haven’t put on any weight i don’t know what you’re talking about
sure sex is great but have you ever pulled the pamphlet from a cassette/cd case and realized from the thickkkkkness you just scored the lyrics?
Wedding DJ took it down a notch and was like, “Y’all, throw your hand up if you found that special someone. Now put your hand up if you found an ancient tomb. Keep your hand up if it feels like the ancient tomb found you.”
I’ve quit my new job as a postman…..
…..they handed me my first letter to deliver, I looked at it and thought:
“This isn’t for me.”
This device could predict incoming phone calls.
Dentist: Do you grind your teeth?
Me: Yes, I have a child.
Women and electronics aren’t very similar until they both freak out on you for throwing water on them while they’re in “sleep mode”.
the vatican should not be allowed to name any new saints until God sorts out my numerous issues with the citibank web portal
BEACH BOYS: 🎶 Wouldn’t it be nice if we were older?
M. NIGHT SHYAMALAN: 🤔
My signature move is to tell men that I can’t hear them because I have my headphones in when I quite visibly don’t have headphones in.
The ending of platonic relationships is way harder because it’s someone looking at your personality alone and being like no thanks
INTERVIEWER: According to your resume, you like to “move it move it.”
ME: That’s correct.
I: It goes on like for… 30 pages.
M: And?
WELCOME TO GYM.
[5gp] WOOD MUSCLE //
[10gp] LEATHER MUSCLE //
[50gp] IRON MUSCLE //
[100gp] WISTFUL MUSCLE //
[999gp] DESOLATION MUSCLE
ant-man: im here to stop u
bad guy: [pulls out a can of Raid©]
ant-man: motherf
My bathroom scales need a new home. They weigh you 30 pounds over, and have slight damage from being thrown out a window, but aside from that, they’re fine.
Stopped on the highway.
Officer: Any drugs? Alcohol?
Me: No thanks, I got everything.