To catch a grandpa, you must THINK like a grandpa *eats butterscotch candy, clicks on obvious spam email*
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Sometimes I overhear a conversation and want to tell one of them to run
Do bodybuilding exterminators have better traps?
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room.
A smile in Canada is called a smilometre.
At family dinners, I always offer to bring the potato dish. It’s always vodka.
You ask me for the time and notice my watch is actually a live shrimp hugging my wrist, he whispers “12:30” but he’s guesstimating as shrimps usually do
If I learned anything from Aladdin it was that if u just keep lying to a girl eventually u will get to marry her and live at her dad’s house
People keep inviting me to stuff. I miss the pandemic.
[first day as a server]
guy: “can i order something off-menu?”
me: “well, that is how menus work sir”
Not today
I’m sick and tired of people telling me to turn off my lights to save the environment. I tried it once and I hit a cyclist.
[texting gf]
February 13th
“I think we should spend some time apart”February 15th
“Ok that was enough time”
Date: So what’s your backstory?
Me: Arthritis.
Got kicked out of the grocery store again for re-enacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe don’t play Unchained Melody on the loud speaker and we won’t have this problem.
My only real argument for having multiple children is that the older one will eventually be able to help the younger one with Common Core math.
A girl called me “sir” today and I was so angry I took off my suit of armor and stormed out of Medieval Times.
Hubs accidentally picked up my coffee cup this morning, took a big gulp, and spewed it out across the table. What a waste of good Scotch.
It’s not fair how many boring things my nephew gets out of going to simply by shitting his pants.
An older couple saw me open my wife’s car door for her and came over to compliment me.
Moral of the story: old people are nosy.
The good news is it wasn’t a bug. The bad news is I beat the crap out of a black bean on the floor with my shoe.
I’m out of tweets so I’m recycling some of my most dope MySpace status updates.
Asked my 5yo how he wanted me to peel his banana, and he said any way, and this is a trap isn’t it
Do not let children style your hair. They are bad at it and everyone will roast you for looking ridiculous.
“Who Wants To Be a Millionaire?” would be a better show if the only contestants were billionaires.
someone is trying to tell me about a time when 50,000 people would get together in one place just to watch a baseball game.
Sounds fake. nice try, I wasn’t born yesterday.
A homeless guy asked me “would you give me $5 for a sandwich?”
I said “I don’t know man, show me the sandwich first.”
6yo: Wow you look much better already daddy! Will you be able to have the stitches out soon?
Taxidermist: He will not
This day in history. 1634. The Irish House of Commons passed An Act for the Punishment for the Vice of Buggery, prodded so to speak to do so by Anglican bishop John Atherton who was later the first to be hanged for the crime.
What they say:
Want a bite of my sandwich?What I hear:
How much of this sandwich can you fit in your mouth?