To celebrate Boxing Day on Friday, I had a five minute training montage and beat the shit out of the biggest Russian I could find …
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I’m a mom of 2 boys. My hobbies include always wondering where that smell is coming from and if it’s safe to pick up that towel or sock on the floor.
[At home school reunion]
“And Sasha bought a new cat, her name is Mittens.”
“Mom I know, you told me yesterday.”
satan: welcome
me: this isnt so ba-
satan: put these on
me: are…are those jeans that didnt totally dry in the dryer
satan: enjoy
me: noooo
Sometimes the last thing people hear before they’re murdered is the sound of their pen that they won’t stop clicking.
The downfall of society can be traced to when they stopped counting ketchup as a vegetable in school lunches.
sleeper makes drafting your fantasy team easy👇
What if instead of meth you made the powerpuff girls?
If you try to teach me a lesson I will flunk on purpose, how dare you
Me and my 4yo tried to high five each other for like 5 min which shows we are both very determined but also very very uncoordinated.
Yes, Karen, I know that exercise is a great stress reliever. I’ll have you know that I power walked to the freezer aisle in the store to get this ice cream before they closed.
My 8yo nephew who has never seen a CD player before just asked if the eject button was for his seat in my car and in this very moment I wish it was
When I was sixteen, I had to learn how to drive a stick, because we couldn’t afford a car.
[leaving sushi restaurant]
WAITER: sayonara
ME: onara
Even if you don’t pay, they’ll usually let you go through a car wash at least once a day without a car.
pros and cons of being the last person alive on earth, according to my 8 year old:
con: loneliness
pro: every dog on the planet now belongs to you
Married life be like, “I need you to explain what is happening in this show as if I haven’t been watching every episode for the last 4 seasons with you.”
My wife claims watching me do karate “isn’t foreplay.” Why am I even alive.
People who try to beat you when walking into a store. No.
White people only love Cinco de Mayo because it has mayo in it
Me: I’m pretty sure I just died, but this place looks exactly like my office
Satan: yeah, welcome to hell
Me: well, I guess it could be worse
Satan: I also signed you up to be on the party planning committee
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
It could have been love, but then I caught her putting a perfectly good steak in an air fryer.
I was in a band called Click Bait. You won’t believe the kind of music we recorded. Track number 5 will blow your mind.
Before kids I only had to take the trash out once a week, now I forget it once and A&E is kicking in my door trying to film an episode of Hoarders
Pre-surgery instructions: Do not wear makeup the day of surgery.
Surgeon: But I want to look pretty.
I could never kill someone…
Not one of my knives cuts properly. Not even to cut an onion.
COME ON KRUSE #fencing
WIFE: Do we have any orange juice?
ME: I don’t think so
WIFE: Well do we have any orange juice concentrate?
ME: I AM CONCENTRATING!
“Does this hurt?”
“YES!”
“What about this?”
“OW!”
*Dr. writes notes*
“Patient shows symptoms of pain when stabbed with knife. Keep updates.”
Read about a 60 yr old woman wanting to swim from Florida to Cuba & felt inspired & wanted to help so I emailed her a picture of a boat
Me driving at night:
I hope this is the road!