To celebrate Halloween I made my scary movie hating husband watch, “Paranormal Activity” with me, waited till he fell asleep and ran through the house with powder in my socks leaving strange otherworldly footprints for him to find. The exorcism is being scheduled as we speak.
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10 y/o Edison: How many scientists does it take to change a light bulb?
His Dad: What’s a light bulb?
His Mom: IDFK. U tell me, Einstein.
I need to hire someone to follow me around and abruptly drag a needle across a record every time that I enter a room.
The Backseat Boys
I tell my kids that thunder means God is shouting; rain means God is crying; and lightning means God is killing Luke Skywalker.
Next time you’re on a date and someone asks “Is that your boyfriend or your brother?” smile really creepy and whisper “Both”.
If your dog doesn’t come back when you call them just shout “Oh shit!” and look at the floor like you’ve dropped something
So I was sitting in a recliner in my underwear, watching a movie, eating ice cream and Doritos minding my own business and freaking Walmart calls the cops!
maybe less RPGs would be about killing god if gods stopped playing absolutely banging tunes whenever someone tries to kill them
We say “life is short,” but really, most of us expect to die in old age. This expectation exposes our fear of death, not our understanding of life. Life doesn’t have a knowable length or a right length. It ends when it ends.
Cashier: So… you don’t want fries?
Me: No, I do.
Melatonin: You want some help falling asleep?
Me: Yes please.
Melatonin: And you want your nightmares more vivid and real?
Me: What?
Ceiling Lady: 🅈🄾🅄 🄷🄴🄰🅁🄳 🄷🄸🄼.
Satan: Welcome to hell, where it’s hot and never not! Any questions?
Me: Yeah, where’s the second circle? They’re expecting me.
ethics professor: ur failing my class
me: [slides over $20] how about now
One bough breaks centuries ago and now it’s “uncouth” to hang my baby in the tree tops?
run away with me except we’re driving so we’ll mostly sit
Forgive me father for I have sinned, last week I hissed at 47 people because I like to pretend I’m a mean cat
I’m just a girl adding $132 worth of merchandise to my cart so I don’t have to pay the $10 shipping charge.
When customers come in 6 hours before closing
Me, dating.
Him: Hi Wendy. I’m really excited to find out all about you.
Me: Why? Who have you been talking to?
The best way to watch the MTV Music Video Awards is to turn on the TV and turn the channel to MTV and then go outside and set your house on fire.
Somehow I managed to lock myself out of my laundry room. I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
MI5 warned today that Chinese espionage online is being conducted on an ‘epic scale’ in the U.K. Not on our watch, our security systems are 世界上最好的之一。
Female giraffes on dating apps be like “Must be at least 20 feet”
When she rips his shirt open in the movies, it’s sexy and romantic. But when I try it, he’s all “Your Pap smear is normal, but please don’t do that with your toes every time”.
[Concert]
Singer: ARE YOU ALL ENJOYING IT?!!Everyone: YEAAAHHHHH!!!!
Me: ᶦᵗ’ˢ ᵛᵉʳʸ ˡᵒᵘᵈ
I told my husband I would hem his pants. I need some help here, hot glue gun or staples?
wife: don’t eat that, u know it won’t agree with u
me: yes it will
taco: no I won’t
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
Kids: EGGS! BACON! WAFFLES! CHOCOLATE CHIP PANCAKES!
Me: Let me rephrase. Who wants toast?
Me: sandwich for lunch?
6yo: noooo!!!
Me: how about salami, tomatoes, cheese & bread?
6: YES!!I win.
it’s been 12 years since Shrek came out, I still can’t get over the fact that Donkey had sex with a dragon..