To celebrate Halloween I made my scary movie hating husband watch, “Paranormal Activity” with me, waited till he fell asleep and ran through the house with powder in my socks leaving strange otherworldly footprints for him to find. The exorcism is being scheduled as we speak.
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There are only two stories: A man goes on a journey and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god, or a stranger comes to town and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god.
Leaf blowers can make yard work so efficient, when you just use them to blow everything onto the neighbour’s lot.
This lady totally messed up my Zen during my yoga session by switching on the lights and waking me up.
Why do birds,
you are near?
Just like me,
you seem to be,
made of seeds.
You can tell a lot about a woman from her hands, for instance if they are firmly around your throat she is probably slightly upset.
While a leaf blower is a close second, my preferred cleaner is a flamethrower.
sometimes I throw random produce into my basket at the grocery store so I don’t look like an 8 year old who just got an advance on their allowance
The year is 2045. Favstar Bot 32 becomes self aware and deletes our top tweets.
I fought the law, and it turns out they have better resources than I do.
airline: will you be checking your bags, sir
me: again? I did that three times at home
Romeo and Juliet is a story about two teenagers who save themselves a lot of trouble by avoiding marriage
I found a cure for my debilitating cancer. I dumped her and started to see a capricorn instead.
*presses wheelchair accessible button*
*rolls 5 year old in on dolly restrained like Hannibal Lector*
“We’re here for a haircut.”
vampires are dumb, moonlight is reflected sunlight.
As I sit in this coffee shop practicing for my Sign Language final it occurs to me, all of these people probably think that I’m talking to myself.
date: oh you want to be an astronaut? wow you must be so adventurous
me: [knows that bone mass decreases in space making it the safest place to be when the skeleton war begins] yeah final frontier and all that haha
My husband just asked this southern 8 ball if I loved him. It said “bless your heart” 😆
WIFE: Do we have any orange juice?
ME: I don’t think so
WIFE: Well do we have any orange juice concentrate?
ME: I AM CONCENTRATING!
My Mom keeps warning me about talking to strangers on the Internet.
I’m 34 now Mom. I don’t talk to them. I sleep with them.
Boss: hey greg meet your new coworker please don’t accuse him of being a dinosaur
me: I won’t I’m not an idiot
Coworker: hey nice to meet u I’m Ptery
me: *eyes narrow*
CDC: keep at least 6 feet—
Spiders: GUYS WE GOT THIS
If Ella Fitzgerald married Darth Vader then she would be known as Ella Vader…….
LAWYER: where were you on the night of the stabbings
ME (not wanting to admit I was watching the Bachelor finale & crying): stabbing people
My teenage son says that fanny packs are back in style at his high school. I HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS MOMENT MY ENTIRE LIFE!
*getting sexy boudoir photos taken for my husband*
Photographer: Ma’am, in the next shot, could you please put down the cheeseburger?
Sure sex is good but have you even gotten melted butter in one of those air pocket holes in your toast
I’ve learnt a lot from the movies over the years, such as how to count using Roman numerals…
I, II, III, IV, V, Balboa.
smokey robinson: tears of a clown
witch: where did you get this recipe
Some early signs you’re growing up:
1. Checking expiration dates
2. Reading before signing
3. Preemptive pee before going anywhere
hyundai called it sonata because it’s sonata good car