To change the traffic light from red to green, pick up your phone and try to read a text on your cellphone.
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I’m so full I could puke a horse
2 out of 3 isn’t bad. Unless you come home from the park with 2 out 3 kids. Then it’s bad
whoa.. whoa… whoa… we ain’t flying anywhere until you get some damn pants on
In all seriousness I’ve had babies in my audience before and it is genuinely a nightmare. They don’t get any of your school material and they can’t give you a standing ovation. Pathetic.
If Jehovah’s witnesses brought red wine and Pringles with them, I’d gladly let them in to spend an afternoon chatting about religion.
Twitter remains undefeated
I just switched my phone to airplane mode and a small child appeared and started kicking me in the back.
Elon Musk is now worth $208 billion.
You want to know how he did it? He skipped 34.67 billion lattes. It’s that easy.
Joker: Want to know how I got these scars?
Me: Did you try to hug a squirrel? Because, you know, been there.
Joker: No I…wait, what?
The first step to admitting you have a problem is having a problem.
Now I lay me down to rest.
I pray your TC loves you best.
If he does choose another,
I sincerely hope it’s not your mother.
Before joining Twitter I thought I was stupid. But now I’ve realised I’m not alone.
I created you as mosquito food.
Trail Mix should just be called “Dig around until you find the M&M’s”
*takes enough Xanax for an army* I have a killer headache
CW: *hands me 5 Advil*
Woah there brother I’m not about to OD here, 2 will do
if you want a wife that will cook and clean for you then that’s not me. BUT if you want a wife who will support and love you unconditionally then again, that’s not me. i don’t like you
*watching Hoarders
Wow. How crazy, I think, as I open my drawer to reveal 12 of my favorite mascaras.
Don’t regret past mistakes. All of your decisions, good and bad, led you to where you are today.
Disregard this if you are in prison.
give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day.
give a fish a man and it’s Jaws.
The cast of Big Brother in Germany doesn’t know about covid-19 and they’re gonna tell them in a live TV special. I have to learn German by tomorrow.
Babies have no idea when one of them is cuter than the other. So you have to tell them
Him: It’s been 20 minutes! I know what you’re doing in there! Stop it!
Me: *in shower* No! I’ve waited all day!
Him: Don’t do it! Get out!
Me: *touching my face* You can’t stop me!
Tie a sweater around your waist so you can pretend a short ghost is hugging you.
Parents: Don’t play with sharp objects.
Parents in October: Here’s a knife. Now stab this pumpkin.
My wife just found a coupon for lice treatment and yelled to everyone in the house “if you’re gonna get lice, people, get it now!”
god (creating me): here’s the ability to be funny sometimes
me: omg thank you! so i guess i’ll be pretty happy then
god: LOL wow, you are funny
Hey tiny front pocket on a t-shirt… Watcha doin’ there buddy?
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.
In today’s episode of “My Kids will be the Death of Me,” we examine why the top of the stairs is the most popular place to play