To clean up or just move. This is the question.
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To those going to Miami tomorrow, please be sure to visit our fun fair setup at the Courthouse.
Photo booths, 23&me test kits, fingerprinting, make your own bracelets…
Be there, will be wild!
Doctor: Are you allergic to anything?
Me: Cats
Doctor: Anything else?
Me: Grease
Doctor: is that everything?
Me: Most musicals to be honest.
I’ve had 3 men proclaim their love for me since the Coronavirus hit, so how’s your quarantine going?
Merlin: What now?
Lawyer: I’d advise you to turn yourself in to the police
Officer Merlin: Ok, and now?
Spider van
Spider van
How do spiders drive a van?
10 on top
10 below
Where would you like to go?
Get in.
Get in the Spider Van.
got an email from my bank saying “is your 401k enough to retire on” and it’s like you are my bank you know it is not
Taco Bell implies the existence of all kinds of Taco Percussion
coworker relationships are crazy because we don’t hangout or talk outside of work, but i know you tried to poison your husband once
My very high friend said “Imagine if cats got really big” and I said “Like tigers?” and he got very quiet.
Sasquatch is just a regular quatch who tells it like it is.
[trying to make a new friend]
…so that’s the worst thing that’s ever happened to me, now you go
$4.99 for a box of saltines? My neighborhood grocery store thinks it’s a Whole Foods now.
McKay Coppins:
My wife and I got back from voting and found our 5yo in tears that she didn’t get to come. So I took her to the polling place and gave her a little patriotic talk about America and democracy.
On the way back she told me she thought mom had said we went “boating.”
People should be teaching kids to spell by changing the wifi password every week to something increasingly complicated
This guy texting in metro besides me keeps covering his phone, like I care about his dinner plans in CP with his girlfrnd “Shona baby”
“You scratch my back and I’ll scratch yours.”
Me: Are you sure you passed dermatology school?
Badminton implies the existence of a more sinister sport: Goodusedoff
i just ordered an RGB bulb for when i play music too loud and my mom says this is a house not a nightclub I’ll say i beg to differ
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
Dentist: it’s really crowded in your mouth, we’ll have to make space
Me: *spitting jolly ranchers into cup* guess I’ll save these for later
[Creating Humans]
God: Gonna add a small part in their elbows so if they hit it just right it hurts a lot.
Angels: Why?
God: Just like blowing up the Death Star.
Angels: Lololol.
God: I hope they call it a funny bone.
Ok guys, if anyone asks about what happened to this gallon of ice cream, I was mugged by a family of 8.
Friend: Sorry. Are you annoyed?
Me: *chainsaw noises*
Snow is magical. It turns 6 parking spaces into 4.75 parking spaces.
Me: hey did you buy ‘100 Count Tennis Balls’ from Amazon?
Wife: no
Dog: *pretending to read newspaper*
When someone compliments me on here, my gut reaction is to say, “YEAH OKAY AND WHAT IF I’M A CATFISH?!”
…I am not a catfish.
Why am I like this?
I get why polyamory is so popular in California. It takes 3 incomes to survive and 4 to have nice things.
I always end up at the store behind people who’ve never been to a store.
My wife is gone for the next 3 days, so if any ladies out there want to come over & yell at me to take out the garbage & not have sex, hmu
If it weren’t for bad decisions, I’d be pretty indecisive.