to discover what’s going on with justin bieber we caught up with his manager scooter braun, who is named after two different types of razors
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what day is it?
Wife: You’re shirtless?
*nods*
W: And covered in…oil?
-Well, you know how you always say I never glisten?
W: Listen. You never listen.
-Oh
why does half of Twitter think they’re going to lead a communist uprising when they’re too scared to order pizza on the phone
The worst part about getting kidnapped would be when the news told everyone your real height and weight.
I like to keep a “wet paint” sign on my office door, so that no one wants to touch the door to come in.
There’s a bounce house at the bail bondsman’s office. There’s curiosity in my mind.
When children vomit, sometimes it sounds like they’re saying the names of Ikea furniture.
CHIPOTLE MANAGER: we can’t figure out why these e.coli outbreaks keep happening
ME: [bathing in a tub of salsa in the back] ya very weird
Her: So when you said you were going to make me happy using just your mouth…
Me: *putting down microphone* BEATBOXING IS A GIFT SARAH
According to this grocery list I’ve written on my hand, I’ve invented a new language.
Me: I’ll take $50 bucks on pump 1 please
Bartender: get your mouth off the keg sir
Well, well, well. If it isn’t that same mistake I’ve made several times already.
6 FEET MEANS 6 MF FEET! 😂😩🔥
It’s like the police helicopter that’s been circling my neighborhood for an hour doesn’t even care about us unemployed people trying to watch TV.
me: *summoning the hotdog demon by nailing a shitload of hotdogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hotdog demon: *sigh* not you again
I Google image searched the phrase “Google image search” and accidentally opened a portal to hell.
To ensure that my wife will truly miss me when I go on trips, right before I leave I put a few spiders in the bedroom.
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
Overheard at the hardware store today …
Clerk: This interior house paint dries in 3 to 4 hours.
Customer: How much longer will it take to dry in the dark?
I made my 4-year-old sit at the table till she finished her lunch
It took her 3 hours
She was so excited to be done
Then I served dinner.
I’m wearing nike pants so you have to just do it…
There’s a doctor here to see you.
Doctor who?
No, I think it’s a non time traveling one.
me: can you tell me what’s wrong with my car?
techician: sure..I’ll take a look
[later, ]
technician: it’s not too bad..
me: thank god..what is it?
technician: eh..just shit in the cylinders
me, completely clueless about cars: wow…how frequently should I do that?
I don’t like changing clocks twice a year. It gets expensive buying new clocks.
When you stumble across a penny on the ground it can mean several different things:
*a deceased relative is trying to get your attention
*you’re headed in the right direction, keep going
*someone dropped a penny
*first day as a getaway driver*
Me: Hey does anybody want anything from the drive-through?
Husband: *opens the bathroom door and walks out*
Me: *texts him from Target* Turn off the lights and wash your hands!