To Doo List:
1. Cockadoodle
2. Yabba Dabba
3. Voo
4. Sea
5. Didgeri
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I feel sorry for the Phillip whose head inspired the screwdriver.
Coffee is great because if you drink too much you realize there are tiny spiders under your skull weaving hair.
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 7 times you must be a car that looks like mine in the mall parking lot
I can’t come up with a guitar pun, but I won’t fret about it.
I’m starting a frequently terrible drycleaner called autopleat
What do you call clean German cabbage?
Shower-kraut.
#CabbageDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
[alternate reality]
[dogs walking their humans on leashes]
dog1: have u heard of upman?
dog2: whats upman?
dog1: not much man whats up w/ u?
Just donated blood. I hope whoever gets it likes wine.
I spent all day yesterday trying to fix our POS roomba
Then the wife came home and asked why I had the bathroom scale tore apart
I guess we don’t have a roomba
That toilet didn’t deserve what I did to it today.
I once beat boxed for over 6 hours trying to impress a girl before finding out she was deaf.
Do👏not👏remove👏the👏exquisite👏painting👏from👏my👏wall👏and👏open👏the👏hidden👏safe👏if👏you👏don’t👏want👏to👏find👏a👏smaller👏version👏of👏the👏same👏painting👏
I wish someone would leave a horse’s head in my bed so that when my kids sneak up on me in the morning, I can be like, BAM, horse’s head.
Hear me out. An Elton John themed Indian restaurant named Rocket Naan.
Me: alright early to bed
Brain: nice
Me: need a good night sleep
Brain: rest is important
Me: don’t go saying shit to keep me awake all night
Brain: I won’t
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: you still awake?
Brain: my guy if you’re awake I’m awake we been thru this
My wife accused me of spending too much time on twitter. That’s funny, when did I get a wife?
If I see another Laura on Twitter, I’m going to follow that person.
I’m not saying I’m creating an army of Lauras, but I’m also not *not* saying that.
Me: big day today
Brain: we’re ready
Me: yep
Brain: not like last time
Me: what
Brain: when you wrote ‘gren’ on the colors test
Me: I was 5
Brain: don’t blow it today
From now on I’m gonna tell guests that I made my house especially messy, just for their visit, it was hard but I got it done
Just told a customer who’s off to the theatre tonight that I’m off to Wicked tomorrow!! She said “it’s not here in Manchester, I’d know if it was”
Thought “alright musical theatre queen”
Turns out my tickets are for the 2nd of January 2025 🙂 x
So my mom suggested today that I use Twitter to find a boyfriend. I told her that only works if you’re already married.
cop: show me your hands
dahmer: *opens fridge*
WIFE: Do you have a hot glue gun?
ME: No but I have a sexy stapler
Newscaster: In other news, a local man was severely beaten by group of roving youths
*cut to file footage of me prancing around town in a unicorn costume*
Newscaster: Moron, this, at 11
[gets pulled over for speeding]
Where’s the fire ma’am?
*grips lighter*
“I’m not sure yet”
Waiter: Would you like regular or decaf?
Me: Do you want me to tip you with real money or Monopoly money?
God: I need one more rib please
Adam: No
God: Come on man, I can see the future… this is going to be a problem
Adam: I said NO
God: ugh, fine *calls McDonalds* sorry guys but the McRib is gonna have to be limited time only
Find a penny
Pick it up
& all the day
You’ll have significantly raised chances of contracting a bacterial infection …
You know you’ve got a drinking problem when you’re looking at the unleaded nozzle being labeled as 15% ethanol and you’re like “same, brother”
When I run into an old friend, and I have no idea what they’ve been up to, I just say, “I love your podcast.” Haven’t been wrong yet.