To ensure my wife misses me while I’m away, I changed her text notification to the sound of a door creaking open & message her at midnight.
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I don’t really hate you, it’s just that if you were on fire, I’d roast marshmallows..
Someone tweeted today that they were “29-ish” and I didn’t know you could “ish” 15 years.
Scientists are just wizards who don’t take fashion risks.
“Hey Babe, wake up. We’re back in Louisiana.”
You don’t love me? Don’t worry, the first step is denial.
Why did the chemist’s pants keep falling down?
Because he had no acetol
*date*
GIRL: I love hot tubs. Do you love hot tubs?
LOBSTER: That’s like the third time you’ve asked me that.
I really think Miracle Whip lowered the bar for what constitutes a miracle.
Welcome to IKEA. I see you need a new Fyrkantig for your Dagstorp.
Me:How do you pronounce that?
*sound of corduroy pants rubbing together
Interviewer: If we hire you, where do you hope to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
The Victoria’s Secret models should use their wings to fly to a food source.
Wife: we argue a lot about money
Therapist: well that’s not uncommon among coupl-
Me: Andrew Jackson was a genocidal murderer and should be taken off the twenty dollar bill. I am not budging on this, Diane.
I used to think I could control ducks with my mind but it turns out ducks & I just have very similar ideas about what stuff ducks should do
Okay stranger, it’s clear that we walk at the exact same pace, speed up or at least hold my hand.
How you gonna accidentally send an inbound missile warning to everyone in Hawaii by “pressing the wrong button”? I had to click “are you sure you want to do this”, verify my thumbprint, and solve an algebra equation just to unsubscribe from the Mr. Belvedere fan club newsletter.
Every app is fighting for their life with push notifications and growth hacks, meanwhile wordle is right there having us do our daily pilgrimage to a mobile website
“these fit like a glove,” i whisper, sliding effortlessly into my five legged pants
People who say that they don’t have time for my bullshit should wake up an hour earlier
I used to give my co-workers nicknames based on their most dominant features, like ‘Loves Abortions Brenda’ or ‘Eats Her Feelings Julie’.
When I eat spaghetti I always check both ends of the noodle so I don’t accidentally kiss a dog.
Things that don’t exist:
1. Unicorn
2. Ghosts
3. Whatever thing that my wife tells me to get from her handbag.
This is the only cartoon analysis critic I will watch
Them: What’s the hardest thing you’ve ever had to say to someone?
Me: Probably… Saskatchewan
Them: …
Me: or Worcestershire
Me: *driving* Look, kids, it’s Godzilla.
Kids: Where?
Me: *pointing* There! The big giant lizard. You can’t miss him.
Kids: WHERE!
Me: He’s picking up our car.
Kids: WHERE?!?
Me: He’s hurling us through the air.
Kids: *crying* I DIDN’T SEE HIM!!
due to unforeseen circumstances i just quit my job as a psychic
COP: You seen an escaped evil octopus?
ME: No
COP: [looks up] Nice chandelier
ME: Thanks
COP: Why is it wet?
ME: Um
COP: And holding 8 guns?
No one:
My brain: the word ‘platitude’ kinda just sounds like a platypus with an attitude
Neighbor: What are you doing?
Me: Jesus Christ, Bob…what does it look like I’m doing?
Neighbor: …urinating on my mailbox
I WILL NEVER STOP BEING A QUITTER!