To err is human; to Air Bud is dog!!!!
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BILLY CORGAN: the world is a vampire
ME: wouldn’t it explode into flames as soon as the sun hit it then?
BILLY: shut up *runs off crying*
My husband knew he couldn’t scare me with that ghost mask, so he held one of my credit cards over the shredder.
Wish a poltergeist would move in so there’d be someone else to blame when I lose my shit.
Why hunt for vampires when you can just open a tuxedo shop and have them come to you? Work smarter, not harder.
Me: What a gorgeous day! I’m going to *make the most of it.
*Pulls open the blackout curtains exactly one inch
Here lies a mother, her struggle was valiant but in the end the laundry pile was too big and she couldn’t claw her way out
“There are hot Shingles in your area”
– My Doctor
If I’m ever possessed, I hope the demon remembers these curls need product to bounce.
I WILL TURN THIS CAR AROUND RIGHT NOW, she screamed to the 2 liter bottle of club soda rolling around in the backseat.
ME: Omg I love making up stupid words too!
HER: No, spelunking is a thing
ME: Ha ha, absototesly.
If history has taught me anything, it’s that the person with the loudest, wettest cough will always sit down beside me in a waiting room.
I’ve stepped on a Lego before so I’m calling bullshit on Godzilla and King Kong being that difficult to take down
A new Ocean’s 13 but it’s me assembling a team of highly skilled thieves to help break my kid’s toys out of their packages
*goes in for first kiss*
*stops*
Before this goes any further, I need to understand your position on naming our kids after water Pokèmon
My boss at the stencil factory once asked me to make a template for work, so next morning I went to the temp’s house and let her tyres down
Just when you think that food cannot possibly call you on your phone, BOOM…
The Onion rings. I’m sorry 😂😂😂😂
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet ice cube just melted in his apple juice
Wife: where’s the baby?
Me: up on the roof
Wife: THE ROOF?
Me: relax. He’s got sunscreen on
Haven’t had a conversation like this in months
“That’s how kids get money. Loose teeth and chores.” -6yo niece schooling 4 on the way the world works
I just watched a squirrel bury a nut in my front yard. I’m going to dig it up and replace it with a Cadbury egg.
That’ll blow his Lil mind
if you aren’t on threads I just want you to know everyone is talking shit about you
“Let me slip into something more comfortable”, I say with a wink then come back in twice as much clothing as before
when someone messages me a minute after i login to work
95% of pet ownership is just saying “hello” to them in various tones.
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
*brings only yellow Starbursts for the office candy jar*
guy who invented shot put: im tired of holding this put
*first day as a getaway driver*
Me: Hey does anybody want anything from the drive-through?
The good folks over at @funTweeters have compiled 6 pages of my tweets. Are they good? No. Are they funny? Also no.