To err is human… To not know what err means is American.
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It’s been 6 months since I joined the gym and no progress. I’m going there in person tomorrow to see what’s really going on.
My husband has texted me 12 times from the grocery store with questions. He’s only made it to aisle 4. Pray for me.
I love when you stroke my ego.
My ego is inside my panties.
BREAKING: Girls go to college to get more knowledge. Boys go to Jupiter to get more stupider. Boys killed instantly by lack of oxygen.
I called my 2yo handsome today and he proceeded to stare at his hands for the next 5 minutes.
No One:
My Family: Please check the menu of this restaurant we’re going to eat at in six months and let us know what you want.
why are you, as a wallet company, giving away a $500 gift card? what am i gonna do? buy $500 worth of wallets?
Just tore seven ligaments trying to avoid being handed the phone by my wife.
I had to go to a catholic mass for a funeral and it was the first one I’d been to in a long time and it’s funny the priest gets a bigger communion wafer than everyone else. This is Literally God and I get more of Him than all of you
Hangman is a lovely childhood game where you slowly draw a man killing himself if another kid can’t read your mind.
Girls adore it when you guess their weight as they walk by.
‘Why don’t you come over here and taste these Doritos…’
– Romancing the stoned
Alice: I’m late.
White Rabbit: Haha, that’s my line
Alice:
White Rabbit:
Alice: *stares*
White Rabbit: oh shit
No laws when master is gone
Shout out to the kidney bean, the trachea celery, the gall bladder peanut and other foods named after internal organs.
Me: check out this new gadget. It carbonates anything!
Friend: cool
Me: yeah even blood
Friend: um I gotta go
Me: lol no you’re staying
[at therapist]
I don’t know, sometimes I just feel invisible
Therapist: WHO SAID THAT?!?
I ran a whole 5K and didn’t even eradicate cancer
Kid 1: *super tired, falls asleep early*
Me: *gets hopes up for easy bedtime*
Kid 2: *hold my espresso*
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
If you’re going to give someone a piece of your mind, make sure you can spare it.
As a child, my family’s menu consisted of two choices – take it or leave it.
Oh, the other kind of staff meeting.
*Gets dressed.
Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I don’t know what you’re eating but I just had virgin cheesesteaks.
Me: What?
*glance in the trash to see 2 empty bags of cheese*
Me: You may have a problem
A Roomba, but to shave my legs.
I always wanted to run a pharmacy and put “Seriously, TMI” on all the receipts.
“found you on “i found you on
instagram” twitter”
Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breastmilk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.
Put the is in disheveled
Wait…. she had the Royal baby, walked out and showed it to everyone, then went home?! I had fast food yesterday and couldn’t leave the couch.