To: Everybody
Subject: Dance Now
Cc: Music Factory
You Might Also Like
I want to name my daughter Katie but that spelling is too common so I’ll spell it Potassiumatie.
The happy life.. 😊
I finally found a machine at work that I like: the coffee machine.
I guess somewhere around the age of 12 it became my turn to go on the computer, and it still is. my turn just didn’t end. more than a decade later I’m still here, on the computer
Vampire: I can bite you…
Me: Sweet!
Vampire: … and give you eternal life!
Me: Stop threatening me!
Me: Anything you can do I can do better, I CAN DO ANYTHING BETTER THAN YOU!
Mom: Why are you yelling at the dog?
Pandas are such weird, unserious bears. There’s no way they don’t get laughed out of the room at the Bear Council.
Me: I don’t think this is going to work
Wife: I know, I’ve been feeling like that for a long time. We’ll be so much happier with other people
M: I was talking about switching the toilet paper so it rolls under
‘this never happened to me so it probably never happened’
– idiots
The zombie I shot earlier may have just been a kid with chapped lips. I don’t take any chances.
A cannibal passes a Girl Scout cookie stand. “How many girl scouts are these cookies made of?” he asks with a large smile on his face.
my coworker was wiping a stain off her jacket this morning and was like “never feed a baby in a suit,” and of course my first thought was “who dresses a baby in a suit”
No, I am not okay. Facebook just showed me something I posted 10 years ago.
The best shot in the history of golf
Let’s talk about Sex Baby. I regret you naming our son that. You’re a real piece of shit, Tammy.
How to parallel park:
1) Park somewhere else.
[Security breach at Wayne manor]
BRUCE: *brooding darkly*
ALFRED: The back door is literally just a waterfall
I was so devastated by my divorce that I barely finished the eleventh grade…
Top 3 screwdrivers:
1. Tool for turning screws
2. Vodka and orange juice
3. Method of Uber payment
After all of the screaming I’ve done, you’d think that this roach would give it up and WANT to die.
My dream guy is hot, funny and smart. And he’ll ask me to marry him with a green lantern ring. And he has powers. And a castle. And Yoshi.
I told my daughter she had to donate two toys to the community toy drive and she picked two of her sister’s toys to give away so I’m pretty sure she’s gonna be a CEO someday.
Suddenly she was on her back, clothes strewn everywhere and her wrists bound to her ankles. She always had trouble hanging out the washing.
On the next episode of “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I try to figure out why we don’t have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we washed them.
Twitter is great because it allows me to show off my hilarious mind without showing off my hilarious body…
Give the gift of sarcasm to a child and receive it back tenfold.
me: tries to get every last possible drop out of a shampoo bottle so as not to waste any
also me: rinses away half a bar of soap to get a single hair off of it
If it looks like I’m typing for five minutes I’m really just trying to spell diarrhea.
Rival dad invited us over for dinner and I offered to sharpen his kitchen knives right in front of his wife and kids.
RIP little boat. I can’t think of a more dinghy friend, canoe?