To everyone in this doctors waiting room: calm down. I’ll hit the right note on my trumpet eventually.
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Me: I’ll just tuck this away so I don’t lose it.
Narrator: she would never find it again.
Another normal evening
Cook food – 30 minutes
Eat it – 5 minutes
Check Facebook – 1 minute
Check Twitter – 8 hours
I don’t dance. Unless it’s for money.
I have a Chewbacca bathrobe and didn’t shave my legs so I’d have pants to match.
lil red riding hood: the Internet told me there are two wolves inside of you
granny: *sweating* haha what I don’t even have one haha who reads things on the Internet
GOD: ask me anything
ME: why aren’t there middlecase letters?
GOD: *reaching for a button labeled “flood the earth again”*
Million-dollar idea:
Upload your podcast to YouTube, but with a video of a generic-looking Zoom meeting, so people can tune in and pretend they’re working. It looks like important quarterly sales stuff, but it’s really The True Crime Murder And Makeup Tips Hour.
If you wash cheese with antibacterial soap, it turns back into milk.
DOG 911: what’s the emergency?
DOG: a boy threw a ball but I can’t find it
DOG 911: did u check his hand?
DOG: of course I checked hi—DAMMIT
New slogan for cats: “Ever go to the zoo and want to snuggle a tiger but don’t want to die? Cats.”
Rice: for when you’re not really
hungry but still wanna eat a 1000
of something.
Biologist screws up:
Mutant killer virusPhysicist screws up:
Deadly black holeGeologist screws up:
Rock on table is now rock on floor
Just saw a fat woman lick icing off of her sleeve so that is the last time I eat in front of a mirror.
I think a Muppet should host the presidential debates
Reporter: Can you stop poking my chest?
Me: But your badge says ‘press’
I have an irrational fear that I’m accidentally making up words. I don’t want to be misunderstandable.
My boss asked me if I had a minute like he doesn’t know how busy I am here.
me: i wanna see how high this cliff is
Charles Darwin: ok, go ahead
me: ill jump off and you count how long im in the air
Charles Darwin: wait but that could ki-
me: what
Charles Darwin:
me: that could what Charles
a bat optometrist making me yell down a hallway
spinach is nowhere near as delicious as Popeye led us to believe
Me to alien:
I, too, try to live among people undetected
You know that scene from The Office where Kelly updates Jim on all the celebrity babies and he says “that’s great. What’s new with you?” And she says “I just told you.”
Well, that’s my situation every evening in my marriage but it’s Kate Middleton.
carpooler: what’d you think “beat the traffic” meant?
ryu from streetfighter: I don’t wanna talk about it
I asked my wife how to turn Alexa off. She said, I don’t know, have you tried walking through the room naked?
A small tragedy.
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself
Each year over 40, one more part of your body becomes audible.
Im losing my mind and can’t remember when I’ve already done things.
Case in point: My fish are actually looking obese.
I’m beginning to think the dark circles that appeared under my eyes in 2008 may not go away.
9: I don’t get why that words with friends game mom plays is fun
13: it’s only fun because she’s old