to everyone who met me 5 years ago im sorry i was hacked
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Ppl who are on Twitter and put intelligent in their bio, good one.
*sucks stomach in for entire 3 year relationship*
gf: I wanna break up
*flops stomach out*
me: finally
Someone gave me a gift and I just found it on a Gifts for Grandma list. This hurts.
can someone please show me the sexy way to get in and out of a booth at a restaurant
What they’re actually saying is “I can’t even [finish this sentence due to the complexities of being a white girl on the existential level]”
Just thinking about the time when my then 5y/o son wanted to be Indiana Jones for Halloween. He never saw the movie, but thought it’d be cool to have a whip so he could “whip all the annoying people” and I thought it was funny until he told me that I was one of them.
barn owls must have been stoked when the barn was invented
Most Unsafe Christmas Toys:
Fisher-Price My First Deep Fryer
LEGO Chewables
Nicotine Patch Dolls
Barbie’s Poorly Wired Dream House
Be the change you want to see in the world!
Me: *goes back to bed
Friend : Going to therapy saved my marriage.
Me: I’m so sorry.
[in church]
“And Jesus, our saviour, died on the cross for your sins.”
[vicar points directly at me & entire congregation collectively nods]
Salad is being recalled. Do you know what’s never been recalled? Oreos.
People complain a lot about Peeps, but when I really want to eat something slightly toxic and also glittery, they’re the first thing I reach for
Facebook’s great for when you wanna see a picture or a joke you saw on Twitter four years ago
Interviewer: describe a time when you were asked to do something you were uncomfortable doing and you declined
Me: no
Ask someone if they’ll watch your bag for you but never actually leave just sit there and watch your bag together with your new friend.
I wouldn’t mind being catcalled if it were useful: “Hey baby, boot sale at Macy’s!” or, “Line’s shorter at Starbucks on 5th, sweet cheeks!”
Our new washing machine sends a text when wet laundry is ready for the dryer. I guess what I’m saying is this appliance is a snitch.
Coolest part of meeting your new man’s family is to see the surprise look on the wife’s face
Commonly confused phrases:
In the same boat = We’re going through this together
On the same page = We understand each other
In the same trunk = We’re getting kidnapped OMG
[boxing match]
ANNOUNCER: …and the challenger weighing 8lbs 7oz, Billy “The Baby” Sanchez
CHAMP: That’s a real baby
TRAINER: You got this
My 6yr old has ruined my life by learning how to spell. I can’t talk about anything with her around anymore. I knew this whole school thing was a bad idea.
Salesman: That’s our best selling couch.
Me: *sits* *bounces*
Salesman: What do you think?
Me: *grinning* Sofa so good.
Salesman: Please leave.
I’m just going to come right out and say it. I’m sorry I ate your seagull.
They say the longer you’re married, the more you and your spouse start to look alike. My wife and I can open each other’s iPhones using face ID.
Neighbors having their yearly Xmas party. Not invited again. So don’t tell me the screaming drunken outdoor fights don’t pay off.
So glad I was weird af in high school cuz now ain’t no one hittin me up to join their pyramid scheme 😌😌
Headline: “Female-named hurricanes kill more than male hurricanes because people don’t respect them, study finds”.
AKA, “My eye is up here”.