To everyone who mocked me for keeping my old maternity pants for so long … who’s laughing now
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gimme fuel
gimme fire
gimme reba mcentire
Sick of dudes not calling you after sex? Do it with me. I’ll call you thirty times a day. Even if you change your number, I will find you.
And to my kids I leave an endless supply of screenshotted recipes that I never made but also refused to delete. With these images I also bequeath a drawer full of condiments and sporks from all the takeout we had instead.
Me: hey, I’m looking for an email.
iPhone mail: this one from 2012, unrelated to your search?
Me: no it was last week
iPhone: can’t find it.
My optometrist: Well, it’s normal as you age for…
I don’t know what he said after that.😑
I guess a good thing that would happen to me if the zombie apocalypse ever occurred is that I’d finally start running
imagine being Billy Zane in Titanic you think you’re going on a nice little romantic trip, 5 minutes later your gf is sleeping with someone else, the boat’s sinking and you’re racing about the place with a gun thinking why is this my life now
Me: *brings home new puppy*
My dogs: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!
Any sink has a garbage disposal if you push hard enough.
Job interviews be like what’s your biggest weakness, ummm I don’t have a job bro
Just FYI if a DJ or children’s entertainer tells you to “make some noise”, never make the most amount of noise you can the first time, because chances are they’ll tell you that they can’t hear you and you’ll have to make even more noise
I’d like to announce that in 2020 I’ll be running for John Mayer.
Just gonna catch up and tackle him.
bartender: the usual?
me: you know it
bartender: [throws me thru window]
I begin to read a horror novel in Braille.
Something bad is about to happen, I can feel it.
Flowers for Valentine’s Day are cool…but what she really needs is windshield wiper fluid.
Cutest fight ever.. 😊
Please stop saying that a problem is a “real pickle.” Pickles are delicious, store well, and have zero calories. You are a problem. Pickles are fine.
Was helping my daughter with an art project and got so mad because nothing would stick together. Well, funny story, as it turns out no matter how much Chapstick you rub on that paper it’s just never gonna work.
when my dog had kidney failure the vet said he had weeks to live, so we fed him kfc, food from the table, everything he wanted, damn dog lived for another 3 years before getting ran over by a van
LIFE HACK: dont jump over a dog becuase he wil get comfused and thimk ur a frisbee and try to bite u
There’s way too much blood in my alcohol system today
Can I go out and do drugs tonight dad?
EXCUSE ME?!
*sighs* MAY I go out and do drugs tonight dad
*snaps newspaper* that’s better
Reverse interview. Here is my answer: “No”
Now, ask me the question
My safe word is now just a dry cough.
Anybody looking for skeletons for Halloween decorations, there’s still a few complete ones in my yard.
I told my mum at dinner that my daughter was talking in a made up language and my mum said all languages are made up and I dropped a potato
Just found empty bags of goldfish and Cheetos under my girls’ bunk bed and I told them I was disappointed that this was the best hiding place they could come up with.
[watching wonder woman]
*wonder woman comes onscreen*
Me: (leans over to date) that’s wonder wo-*date throat punches me*
I was about to confront my husband about the strange blonde hairs I found in our house until I realised my kid’s werewolf Halloween mask was moulting.
Whoever invented crustless pot pie clearly didn’t know why people eat pot pie.