To everyone with a motorcycle: your motorcycle is very loud & we are all very proud of you.
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Woman 1: you sure the left half is fine?
Woman 2: I honestly have no preference, really
Woman 1: cool ♥️ I’ll take the right, please
King Solomon: *sweating*
Man arrested at airport after officials discover 35 live birds attached to his clothing as he attempted to smuggle them into the country for singing competitions
hen my pregnant friend pulled me aside and was like “I just wanted to get ahead of this.. we’re naming her Grace but it’s not after you. It has nothing to do with you”.
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
Me: Congrats! I heard you got married again
Her: Sorry I didn’t invite you. It was a small ceremony
Me: Its ok. I’ll go to your next one
It’s raining.
I’m going to be late for work.
I can’t fit my hair in the car.
Ending all emails in 2022 with BING BONG!
[first date]
her: Tell me a little bit about yourself
me: okay so you know when beetles open up their wings and they have those other, even creepier wings underneath?
her: umm
*gets tax refund* *calls zoo*
Hello, how much to rent an otter for the day? Please say less than $47. Hello?
me: *holding my black eye* honey I’m home
wife: what happened to you?
me: I met a celebrity this morning
wife: and….
[earlier at the car wash]
optimus prime: are you watching me shower!?
THE TERROR YOU FEEL WHEN YOUR PASSWORD DOESN’T WORK SO YOU TRY AGAIN AND AGAIN AND OMG HAVE I BEEN FIRED DID THEY FIND OUT THAT I SPEND ALL MY TIME ON TWITTER AND TIKTOK AND oh never mind I had the caps lock on
Understand men, or die trying.
Or try dying.
Or quit trying.
Or lie crying.
Or cry tweeting.Or tweet trying, to understand men.
When I say that I’m on low battery and can’t talk, rest assured I’m never talking about my phone.
Dog park man handed me an ice cream and I must’ve looked a bit too excited because he felt the need to clarify it was for the pup not me
I wanted to start writing a sewing blog
But I lost my thread
Crude oil is the worst kind of oil because it says offensive things while it pollutes the water and ruins our planet.
🤣🤣
Last week I had a dream and the only thing I remembered about the dream was a poster on a wall so I made the poster and put it on a wall and it was the fastest I have ever made a dream come true and it felt exhilarating like I had solved a mystery.
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
I never slashed an enemy’s tires, but once I wrote “Your mean” on his dirty back window, misspelling “You’re” just to mess with his head.
-I can’t stand liars and fakes
-You are so pretty
-See? Why can’t everyone be honest like you
Does Rapunzel use the shampoo “Head & Shoulders, knees & Toes.”
Imagine if Iron Man could do whatever an iron can. 🎶 Flattens shirts, with his heat. Gives your slacks a nifty pleat. 🎶
You’re technically never cheated on you were just in a surprise polyamorous relationship
Gmail: Please sign in again for your safety.
Chrome: oh wait, I remember the password, never mind.
Shout out to politicians for keeping the word “folks” alive.
tfw you’re leaving the party but nobody notices
If you say “cash money” around me,
Don’t act surprised when I kick you in the “balls nuts”See how stupid that sounds?
No coffin for me thanks. I want to be creamated and have my ashes stored in a nice Tupperware container.