To everyone worried about the dangers of TikTok influencers on kids, please know that every day, a new YouTuber sets up an account and convinces someone’s husband that there’s no need to hire a plumber.
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I was not prepared for how terrifying this Invasion of the Body Snatchers remake would be.
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My mom was in town and stopped by with a ‘mom care package’ several days ago.
It included clean wipes because “they’re handy when you know a shower isn’t going to happen.”
I now smell like a toddler.
Whenever someone is about to tell me about their day, I just cover my ears and yell “SPOILER ALERT!”
*knocks over a huge display at the grocery store*
(raises arms in the air)
Ta-da!
Like who are those little paper umbrellas trying to protect
Remember: If you don’t post a first-day-of-school picture of each child on Facebook, the state will come and take your kids away.
Things I’ve learned in life
1. Never tickle a stranger at a bar or at the urinal.2….
That’s it. Just don’t tickle people you don’t know
See?! THIS is why we don’t invite Elsa to the lake house in the summer….
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God: your name is Owl.
Owl: who?
God: you. your name is Owl.
Owl: I know. I’m just kidding with ya.
God: ok then state your name.
Owl: your name lol.
God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.
Owl: who?
I picked my nephew up from school & I asked him “how was school?” This boy gonna say “Why you ask me that everytime you see me, you never went to school?”
Delete the phrase “it goes without saying.” Nothing goes without saying people are idiots
Can’t believe no one told me that cows can’t walk down stairs. Now I’m stuck with all these attic cows.
This time last night, there was a spider so big in my bathroom it put me under a glass on a postcard and carried me out.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I think we’ll all still be using mirrors, five years isn’t that far off
Me: (plops myself next to 9 on his bed)
9: Wow. You’re heavy. You made a mini earthquake
Me: (pushes 9 off the bed)
9: What the heck was that?!
Me: Aftershock
Quit my job a few years ago because my boss was an idiot. Now I’m self-employed. My boss is still an idiot.
A funny thing about the Heimlich Maneuver is that it’s impossible to pronounce if you’re choking.
Shout out to whoever scheduled Valentine’s candy to show up just as we’re all giving up on New Year resolutions.
[being dragged out of a Spice Girls concert] AND SPORTY ISN’T AN ACTUAL SPICE EITHER
“How do you normally handle criticism about your sarcasm?”
Oh, suuuuuuper well, homie.
Puts all the toys my kids forgot they had in their Easter basket
[CSI at Starbucks]
“Ma’am you’ve been robbed. Suspect is at large.”
Barista: At what?
“At large”
At what?
“At venti?”
OMG HOW AWFUL!!!
My son is the reason I get out of bed every morning. Otherwise, he might attempt to make his own breakfast.
*parachutes into your family BBQ*
I noticed you haven’t retweeted me in a while, but I see you had time to make POTATO SALAD…
If alcohol damages your short memory. Just imagine what alcohol can do.
drew a comic about my origin story
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When I die, I want my remains to be scattered at COSTCO. Also, I don’t want to be cremated
[showing off my distressed jeans]
jeans: AHHHHHHHHHHH
“You had a life. It was this long. Here’s a rock.” – tombstones