To find out your cat name, pick any name at random and refuse to answer to it.
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These lovely people in a very nice car stopped by our house to buy a bike and they looked horrified the entire time, and it was only as they left that I remembered I had strung a bunch of literal animal bones in the trees for a Halloween party.
Like there is almost no cell service where we live we can’t do this to people.
[bursts into garage]
“why is your car still on? you’ve been in here for 3 days”
i’m trying to kill myself
“but you drive an electric car”
“Tell me about yourself”
Well, I’m a Canadian-
“Oh yeah? Tell me a joke funnyman”
Me: You should cut your toenails.
Wife: Huh?
M: You’re scratching my leg.
W: I’m WAY on the other side of the bed!
M: That’s kinda my point.
Doctor: That mule really kicked you. I’m afraid there’s some bleeding on the brain
Me: He gave me a bloody knows, LOL
Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, a monkey, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
The best thing about the first day at a new job is nobody knows I only have one outfit.
Having a reputation for being irresponsible gets me out of having to do a lot of stuff.
Dance like no one is watching.
Sing like no one is listening. A
Eat salty food like your blood pressure cuff is broken.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: is there a doctor on board
ME: *standing up to get skittles from the overhead bin but now everyone is staring at me* yes i’m a doctor
12653.
Me: “Come on, what’s the worst that could happen?”
My Brain: “Let’s start an alphabetized list categorized by subject and severity, and when we run out of letters we’ll use numbers, and then hold on I should be writing this down”
How am I supposed to be professional when something at work is called a dongle?
99% of the time I have zero understanding of how people are using “iykyk”. “Eating some ice cream iykyk.” Well I certainly thought I knew about ice cream. I thought *everybody* knew about ice cream
If you’re happy and you know it, thank your ex.
[desert island diary – day 1]
4:15 pm: Got one call out of my cell phone before it died. Now I wait.
5:25 pm: That pizza is definitely free
One time, when the kids were teenagers,
we tried to ditch them on a family holiday.It didn’t work, unfortunately.
They found us.
Kim Kardashian compared getting through her divorce was like beating cancer. Except cancer is real. She should compare her stupidity to it.
did the people you had a crush on always like you back or are you funny?
Meeting with a realtor to sell my moms house:
Realtor: What’s best about this area?
Mom: My sisters are close by.
Realtor: I meant, why would someone want to live here?
Mom: It’s better than being homeless.
Realtor:
Mom: And my sisters are really nice.
I love meeting new people. Not you. Don’t touch me.
me: here’s a glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
There are 3 types of guys in this world
● 1) Handsome
● 2) Lucky
● 3) Me
Them: what’s an expensive hobby of yours?
Me: living
The man standing outside the nursing home just asked if I had any teeth to sell
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
Medical offices are like “download our patient portal where we’ll post your lab results then fax us your request for a username and password”
If my boss knew I rated him “needs improvement” in last night’s sex dream, he probably wouldn’t have been so nice to me today.
the time my hedgehog fell into the Chuck E. Cheese ball pit
Accidentally bring the wrong kid home on Halloween once and now I have to listen to the same stupid story EVERY year.