To find out your dolphin name, lick your finger tips and rub a balloon.

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Thank you to all the people who tweet landscape pictures so we don’t forget what it looks like outside



Me: Of course you don’t, you’re a date

Blind Date: WHAT

Me: Kind of like a big raisin


“Hey what should we call our multi-million dollar juice company?”

“Juicy Juice”

“What? Are you sure? Why don’t we-”

“Juicy. Juice.”


I met a young fashion designer earlier, and it wasn’t long before I was in the bedroom ripping her clothes off.

I love counterfeiting stuff


My kids are out of town so I’m going to get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.


All these gift wrapping videos going viral as if your kids aren’t going to rip into that shit like feral hyenas finding a half dead zebra during a drought.


Stop saying “11/11/11” only happens once in a lifetime. EVERY date only happens once in a lifetime. That’s how time works.


If your dog & your baby are fighting, it’s important to leave them to it so that a pack leader can be established.


Just ran 45 minutes on the treadmill and burned 732 calories. Or as many people like to call it, 4 olives.


Doctor: You have acute alcoholism.
Me: Thanks, but let me tell you it’s not very cute in the morning.