@Shariv67

To find out your dolphin name, lick your finger tips and rub a balloon.

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@dumbbeezie

Thank you to all the people who tweet landscape pictures so we don’t forget what it looks like outside

@Proxic0n

Blind Date: SWEET JESUS I DONT HAVE ANY EYES

Me: Of course you don’t, you’re a date

Blind Date: WHAT

Me: Kind of like a big raisin

@oxygenplug

“Hey what should we call our multi-million dollar juice company?”

“Juicy Juice”

“What? Are you sure? Why don’t we-”

“Juicy. Juice.”

@emptyheadtwo

I met a young fashion designer earlier, and it wasn’t long before I was in the bedroom ripping her clothes off.

I love counterfeiting stuff

@kristabellerina

My kids are out of town so I’m going to get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.

@themommylode

All these gift wrapping videos going viral as if your kids aren’t going to rip into that shit like feral hyenas finding a half dead zebra during a drought.

@MikeDrucker

Stop saying “11/11/11” only happens once in a lifetime. EVERY date only happens once in a lifetime. That’s how time works.

@david8hughes

If your dog & your baby are fighting, it’s important to leave them to it so that a pack leader can be established.

@Harbinger_one

Just ran 45 minutes on the treadmill and burned 732 calories. Or as many people like to call it, 4 olives.

@goodgrief_rats

Doctor: You have acute alcoholism.
Me: Thanks, but let me tell you it’s not very cute in the morning.