To find out your dolphin name, lick your finger tips and rub a balloon.
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I can’t get the cork off my dinner.
Me: Have you had a shower, and brushed your teeth?
Son: Yes of course
Me: It doesn’t look like it
Son: oh you mean this week?
my good friends know that i’m just 4 voicemails and 10 texts away. like whenever they need me. when I’m available.
*extremely loudly* WELCOME TO MY TED TALK ON USING SUBLIMINAL MESSAGING FOR ADVERTISING.
*whispers* cheerios
My 6 year old just got back from visiting our elderly neighbor and said, “I told her we’d bring her some fresh baked cookies when they’re ready.” I informed her that we weren’t baking any cookies today and she said, “Oh, I guess we kinda have to now, don’t we?” Diabolical.
As I walked through the valley of the shadow of death, I pooped my pants a little bit. Not gonna lie.
*third date, back at my place*
me: this is my cat, Meowchelle Obama. you should have seen the cold shoulder she gave me when i brought Meowlania Trump home from the shelt… HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
My daughter wrote a poem in school about where’s she’s from and she wrote I come from my siblings and I being called tiny dancers and children of the corn so I’ll just be outside waiting for cps.
Me looking for something to eat….
⠀
Instructions: bake for 25 minutes.
⠀
Me: ugh, that takes too long. I don’t feel like dealing with it.
⠀
*proceeds to door dash overpriced food that will take 45 minutes to arrive*
Me: God grant me the serenity.
God: What was that? I couldn’t hear you over your screaming kids.
My cousin stuffed her turkey and put it in her oven, which is not turned on, with the intention to store it there overnight rather than the fridge. “There’s no room.”
This is why you can’t eat just anybody’s food.
This time tomorrow that whole household will be at the ER.
“Are you ever going to boil?”, I scream at the pot of water that is sitting on a burner which I didn’t turn on.
As a dad it’s your duty to ask “how were the roads?” within fifteen minutes of a visitors arrival
My wife left me for a fisherman.
Poor guy’s still reeling.
Me: Do you do any Iron Maiden?
Carol singers: no
Don’t scream. I came to your house because you never responded to my DMs. Are you OK?
The wife asked me to bone the chicken then acts surprised when she catches me doing it
Say what you will about Elon’s management style, but before he took over all you guys posted was “ugh another day on this hell site” and now you’re all like “ah twitter the extraordinary place where I met all my best friends, started my career, had sex for the first time”
TIMMY: What’s that, girl?
LASSIE (echoing from the bottom of a well): *bark bark bark*
TIMMY: You say you’re aware of the irony of the situation?
Just used a stiletto heel to open an Amazon package.
Next up – that impossible to reach, itchy spot in the middle of my back.
I get Grumpy when I run out of Dopey.
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ll land among the other losers who missed a 15 million square mile target.
When you’re not sure if people keep waving at you you might need to ease up on the hellocinogens
My kid handed me a tooth tonight and said “that’ll be $5” so I guess we’re done with the tooth fairy
If being chased by an alligator be sure to run in a zigzag pattern so he can get in his cardio before ultimately catching and killing you.
like u make the diseases or are against them ?
KIDNAPPER: Get in the trunk
ME: You’re abducting me 4 days before Christmas?
K: Heh yep
ME: Omg thank you
K: What
ME: I’m all yours
K: Wait
I’m getting mixed signals from this girl first she is like “sorry I’m married” then it’s “leave me alone I’m married” I mean which is it
I’m quite sure if Adam had offered Eve a donut, that whole Garden of Eden thing would’ve gone in an entirely different direction.
[2 Humans who definitely aren’t lizard people at Denny’s]
1: I sure am glad they don’t have newt brain on the menu
2: Right on, fellow human