@AaronFullerton

To gangs that carve their names into public toilet seats:
A) Why?
B) Haha, you touched a public toilet seat.

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@RandomAntics

I’m told as a lady in my 30s I shouldn’t wear certain things anymore – like halter tops, pigtails, and the scalps of my vanquished enemies.

@david8hughes

[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no

@BoomBoomBetty

[shapes strands of hair from the drain to form a love letter on the shower wall]

stop slamming the toilet seat in the middle of the night or I will murder you

@Elifcello

My resolution this year was to learn Spanish, and that only lasted about dos weekos.

@TheHyyyype

[first day as a cop]

MY PARTNER: oh shit, there’s a body in this house!

ME: yeah frank, there are bodies in all houses, that’s where people live

@Where__wolf

*covers kids eyes*
“Hey Billy, guess who?”
“Dad!”
“Nope”
“I knw its u dad. I know ur voice”
“Its not ur dad”
“Stop jking”
“Ur adopted”

@nnnatchos

My newsfeed fills with “recommended tweets” based on my likes and retweets.

Me: YOU DON’T KNOW ME

Also me: oh look a puppy! *retweet

DAMMIT!