To gangs that carve their names into public toilet seats:
A) Why?
B) Haha, you touched a public toilet seat.
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I like being a landlord for people I can feed noodles to all the time because they’re lo mein tenants.
Never meet your heroes. They’ll invariably disappoint you by asking a bunch of awkward questions about why you’ve been standing outside their house all night dressed as an owl.
I heard my 7-yr old daughter yell out “Cue the battleship!” in her sleep & now I’m jealous because her dreams are a lot cooler than mine.
go ahead and make fun of me for listing my religion as “burrito” but no one’s ever waged war in the name of chipotle
this isn’t my first rodeo
– what my 5yr old just yelled as he wrote “rodeo” for the 2nd time
I accidentally left my speech to text on while walking my dog, this is the transcript:
ed has no gf cuz sheran away
I think the elementary school music teacher was overly optimistic when she said we may recognize this next song.
Ian: “I’d like to report my guide dog missing.”
Cop: “Right. When did you last see him?”
Ian: “I’ve never seen him.”
Rubbing a fire hydrant like a magic lamp, but instead of a genie, all I got was dog pee on my hands. Which was my wish, so we’re all good. Anyway, it doesn’t look like you’ve been flossing.
While assembling new desks at my kids’ school this afternoon another dad gave me unsolicited instructions on how to use an allen wrench. I’m not sure if I should be insulted that he thinks I’m an idiot or flattered that he thinks I can afford real furniture.
You ever do something so stupid, your mouth refuses to work so you can’t tell on yourself?
My cat has been looking up at the corner of the ceiling and hissing at it for the past 30 minutes in other news I just put my house up for sale.
the subway employee asks me what kind of cheese i would like on my sandwich, so i lean in, look them directly in the eyes & whisper, “haunted.”
*walks into gym, tags my location on Facebook, leaves*
If a puppy stabbed me in the face and stole my car, I’d still be like, “aww.”
[First prison riot]
Me: *guarding my toilet wine*
“Tim’s coming tonight”
“Tim with hooves for feet or Tim that likes to bang coconut halves together?”
[in the distance] clip-clop clip-clop
*pushes you to the couch and latches on*
I’m a koala, and you’re my eucalyptus tree.
*pretends to eat your hair*
lmao
Take your girl camping and your relationship will become more in tents.
Not Sorry.
Me: A stranger is just a friend you haven’t met.
Stranger: No.
Lawyer: do you watch people use the bathroom?
Defendant: no
Lawyer: spell “ICUP”
Defendant: I-C-U-P
Judge: *softly* omg
Jury: *whispering*
The pottery scene from ghost but it’s me behind you adding more mayo while you’re making me a sandwich.
Chicken bread
my future husband is probably fake laughing at his girlfriends Iame jokes rn. be patient king, a true clown is on the way.
If you upload these, I hope you enjoy hell.
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
“you changed” bro i was 15
When one door closes, I lock it.
I’m not chancing someone else getting in.