[to girl i just brought home] watch your step, i was playing with my legos earlier
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Had a tiny prick in my gums today at the dentist
Anyway, thought of you
HUMAN BEING: You won’t touch the salad I made, but you just ate 2 stray cats and a whole koi pond! I thought you said you were vegan!
ALIEN, from planet Vega 3: Yes, that’s right.
bae: come over
me: can’t, in self isolation
bae: my parents aren’t home
me:
Them: Do your best you can’t hurt me anymore.
Social media apps: Hold my beer🍺.
[date night]
me: you know it was pretty hard to get a table here
gf: we are in your apartment
me: you gotta carry it up like 4 flights of stairs then turn it sideways to get it through the door
Penguin 1: Let’s stay in tonight.
Penguin 2: I didn’t dress like this to stay home.
ME: why is my son failing
TEACHER: just because u gave him that name doesnt mean he’ll be intelligent
ME: [gasping] cover ur ears Smartboy
Chaperoned my son’s field trip to the farm today. Didn’t lose any children! But this fluffy kid has been clucking the whole bus ride home…
Walmart calls them self checkouts, I call them I might not pay for some of this.
Allegedly naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
Oohh, you play bass, as in the guitar. I thought you played bass, like the fish. I would’ve paid to see that.
I hate people who are like “drunk words are sober thoughts”.
Drunk me has called 911 because she was “dying from lack of attention”, she can’t be trusted
Panda bears are proof that it’s okay to be kind of an idiot as long as you’re super adorable
teen: we need to have a serious talk about my curfew
me: did I tell you I started a new diet today
teen: *laughs nervously* actually my curfew is fine, totally fine, fine fine
I wish I knew how to spell the crinkle sound a chip bag makes because that would be my future dog’s name.
If you enjoy “naked and afraid”, check the the streaming of my new hit show: barefoot and mildly annoyed
my ex was like “i know a spot” then took me to the lowest point in my life
What is with the people who leave the most random product reviews?!
⭐- – – –
The sales clerk was wearing a red shirt. I don’t like red, especially when it’s cloudy outside. That’s why I gave this air fryer 1 star.
Toe: He just banged me into his dresser. Should I give him the most intense surge of pain he’ll ever experience?
Brain: Wait 2 seconds.
At some point all those Legos I’ve kicked down the vent instead of picking up over the years are going to be a major problem.
I can’t be the only one that sees the day when
a direct message from a catfish is called carp DM.
The aliens can learn about the human body the same way I did. Playing Operation.
Don’t try to out-awkward me, I once told a blind man he had a good-looking dog
I have a lift function on my wheelchair so I can reach tall counters. The lift moves really slowly. One time, I got overcharged for something. I tried to storm out of the store, but my chair just slowly lowered to the ground as the cashier stared at me.
What makes you think I’m trying to poison you? Here, I made you this coffee. Its to die for. I mean its yummy!
New parent: So you have been a parent for 4 years. Any insight?
Me: It’s great. Sometimes you want to escape by faking your own death. But I’m sure it’s just a phase.
New parent: Oh, ok. How long does that last?
Me: So far? 4 years.
Instead of Wordle, I call it Word Without Friends.
Dammit Chief not again