[to hot girl at bus stop as bus approaches]
“I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.”
You Might Also Like
[soup kitchen]
*homeless man is handed a plate*
What the hell is this?
-Turkey bacon.
*throws tray against wall*
I’m hungry! Not desperate!
Salad is the decaf of food.
I love that spiderman sits like that. That’s not a spider thing. Spiders don’t do that. But spiderman does.
Hey babe i wanted to marry you but i had to ask your dad first and he said yes so i guess i’m marrying your dad
I used to think Calculus was confusing, then I read your last tweet.
@_NTFG_’s account is temporarily unavailable because it violates the Twitter Media Policy. Learn more.
He died doing what he loved: meeting people on Craigslist to buy furniture.
[A giraffe walks into a scarf shop]
*The managers eyes turn into dollar signs*
me: if i follow them, will i see their tweets?
Twitter: absolu-
Twitter algorithm: no.
The English language lacks a word to mean “To make a spouse feel uncomfortable by aggressively cleaning the house around them”.
[after giving cpr]
him: ʸᵒᵘ ˢᵃᵛᵉᵈ ᵐʸ ˡᶦᶠᵉ
me: lol
him: ʷʰᵃᵗ ᵗʰᵉ ʰᵉˡˡ
me: I inhaled helium first
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people who proofread their Tweets, and the rest of us.
what if everything’s a hellscape because Adele got happy and needed material
I’m not smart enough to have this many people dumber than me.
Doctors just told me I have “stripper lung” from inhaling too much brass polish & if I go back to “JIGGLERS” again I’ll die.
COP: Describe the robber to our sketch artist
ME: He had one eye higher than the other and his lips on his forehead
PICASSO: I got this
FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!
ME: This reminds me of a time
FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*
Beginning of year lunch box- here’s a nice sandwich, some yogurt, organic strawberries, some broccoli,milk
End of year- here’s a pop tart, half an Eggo waffle,a half used pack of Juicy Fruit and a can of Mt Dew.
5 second rule? I’ll take a pill that’s been under the fridge since last March
November is the Sunday of months. no I will not explain
Me: who’s a good dog? who’s a good dog?
Dog: i have a boyfriend
Roomba should have a laundry function where it goes around your house picking up clothes off the floors and delivers them to your washing machine.
The bananas in my fruit bowl were overripe
Fruit flies everywhere!
I tried to kill them
But I just ended up giving them a round of applause
If I don’t stumble across a dead body soon, I’m going to quit jogging all together
Remember when you first started driving and everything was scary. Now you’re going 80, putting salsa on your taco, driving with your knees.
[In line at the store when my child has a meltdown]
A boomer in line behind me: that child could use some discipline-
Me: -but your generation has already used 𝘌𝘝𝘌𝘙𝘠𝘛𝘏𝘐𝘕𝘎 all up
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
DRUG DEALER: what’ll it be man
ME: *wearing a wire* some drugs please
[at the surveillance van]
DEA AGENT: did he just say some drugs
Her: Do you like this outfit?
Him: It’s okay I guess.
What are you doing?Her: Changing.
Him: But we’re gonna be late! I said it was okay!
Men bring a lot of their problems on themselves.
Was Darth Vader a humidifier or dehumidifier?