To inspire all the wonderful women of Twitter I’m sending you all good vibes today. Tomorrow I will ship the batteries.
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so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
They say milk is good for your teeth..you know what else is good for your teeth..minding your own damn buisness
Legend of Tarzan 2:
Tarzan meets other primates.
He befriends them all.
He teaches them to fight.
It’s a prequel to Planet of the Apes.
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
I like how tinder repeats old faces you already swiped left, as though the longer you’re there the more desperate you get and the lower your standards drop until eventually you swipe them right
me: [sits bolt upright in bed]
usain: stop doing that
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
COP: Where were you the night of murder?
Now she’s falling asleep, and I’m calling a crab.
Reached the age where I have to do like 150 healthy things every day just so it doesn’t hurt when I burp.
I think it’s safe to take the fax numbers off our business cards, now, everybody.
I like that the same two questions are still unanswered from my childhood.. what’s the meaning of life? And can you tell me how to get to Sesame Street?
my brain: i hate that person
that person: hey that thing you wrote was great
my brain: they do have a lot of redeeming qualities
A car hit me once, but it was okay because I’m autoimmune
Why do we always hurt the ones who eat the tator tots I was saving in the freezer?
Just spent 3 hours doing yard work *
* Looking for my gloves in the shed
99% of smokers are just wanna-be dragons. Everybody knows that.
Thanksgiving and Christmas should be six months apart. Absurd to see those people again so soon. Insane.
Instead of throwing away broken phone charger cords, 5 years ago I started saving them for an experiment. I’m 3 cords away from a complete world wrap around.
I have a particular set of skills, skills that allow me to open beer cans so no one in the house knows I’m drinking.
I just finished an eye exam and the receptionist asked me if I’m free on this same date next year for a follow-up appointment. Dude, I walked in here wearing my wife’s glasses because the prescription is close & I ran out of contacts–do you think I know what I’m doing next year?
I used to worry about offending people’s moms on facebook but now they all post memes like “I chug vodka to keep from drowning my children”
Filling a thermos:
weird that the doc wanted a stew sample
*pulls away from kissing*
Me: Please insert 2oz of cheese to continue.
… and be generous with the lollipops
– me holding up a bank
we went from “will there be dinner” to “will there be doors” on this flight in record speed
Dear autocorrect,
I’ve never had a “hard duck” in my life.
Quit your shit.
Tie a scarf around your doorknob so Amazon knows your Husband is home and to come back later.
Me: Well…my zipper broke.
HR: You still have to wear pants.
Me: *in my underwear*
Honestly I don’t see what the issue is.
*crosses legs*
Mobster: we need to set up a shell company
Lobster: let me handle this, boss
If you’re afraid of getting fat, drink a little before eating. The alcohol should reduce the fear.