To its credit, only like 8% of doing the Macarena involves heiling Hitler.
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WIFE: [handing me crying baby] will u please change him
ME: ok
[drives to hospital]
ME: hi yes my baby is crying can i get a new one
Marriage is telling your partner they’re wrong but in an optimistic way.
Get the body you always wanted this summer. Go grave-robbing.
“Nobody will embarrass the UFC more than Jon Jones”
Conor McGregor-“Hold my beer bro”
If a bullet train doesn’t come out of a train gun I don’t want it
Reached a point in my life that I have no ‘bones to pick’ nor ‘axes to grind’. Most would call it forgiveness, I call it memory loss and it’s peaceful.
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
If the human race has a “signature move,” its gotta be lying to the dentist about flossing.
Real friends send everyone different addresses for your intervention.
Finally I have an excuse for getting fat, heard on radio about girl who been eating in her sleep … That’s it, I’ve got that !
ME: I really love motorsport.
DATE: Do you like F1?
ME: I like all the function keys.
My greatest hope is for my eulogy to start with “Her reign of terror is finally over.”
a horror film where the victim walks into her kitchen and everyone she’s muted on twitter is standing there drinking coffee
I came home to a trail of bread leading to the bedroom & of course I followed, only to find my husband in bed with 10 ducks. I’m heartbroken
My top 5 yoga positions
5 Napping Warrior
4 Downward Spiral
3 Crying Plank
2 Farting Tree
1 Drunk Hasselhoff
I have a new favorite meme page
Mom: You look tired.
Me: Ma, don’t say that.
Mom: Sorry.
Me: Forget it.
Mom:
Me:
Mom: You look old.
Now that Christmas is over, don’t forget to be thankful for all the children in China who made your kid’s toys.
The keys to a successful marriage include separate bank accounts, separate bathrooms, and separate Netflix profiles
“ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!!”
I scream to my dogs as they all watch me trip, run into the coffee table and spill my coffee all over myself.
Me: *googles my symptoms*
WEBMD: drunk for the last 6 days
Hey check out this new candle I got.
-Sweet. What flavor is it?
I think you mean ‘what scent is it?’
*with a mouthful of candle wax*
-What?
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
When comedians die, why does everyone tell them to “make God laugh”? You wouldn’t order a dead carpenter to “make God some bookshelves.”
wut hotdog?
Me: I don’t get it, how can you sell “gently used” coffins?
Coffin Salesman: Dead people don’t do barely nothin’ to a coffin, if you get ’em out quick enough
Me: You have mud all over your pants
Dr: You’re diabetic. Too much sugar and I’ll have to amputate your legs.
Me: *shoving Cinnabon in mouth* Can I get those cool blade ones?
Looking to hire someone who can photo edit my ex out of all of my vacation photos and replace him with a potato
St. Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland. They gave him a great Uber rating.
Me grinning like a jackass with my luggage labelled “ wayward son” and waiting for them to ask checked bag or carry-on