To keep people on their toes, when offered food at an event, I ask “Are there bees in this?”
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If Canada takes over the world we’re all going to be sorry.
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would just have two dinners.
No good ever comes from pulling on that tiny thread.
*at bank*
I always think it’s funny when I go to the bank because my last name is Banks
Teller: “haha. First name?”
*Pulls out gun*
Robin
My 5-year-old “is the milk from nice cows?” Idk dude just eat your cereal
need a new bf mines broken 😐
I don’t really have a “blood type.” I think all bloods can surprise you if you just give them a chance.
me: ugh i hate subway. worst fast food chain by far
alien I befriended: on my planet there is no word for “hate”
My graphics card. The graphics.
card I need to
play Tekken 8
If I were gonna give advice about how to survive leaving your phone at home, it would be this: stare at something else. I chose a weird baby
– “It Wasn’t Me” plays on radio
10: why were they naked banging on the bathroom floor?
Me:
10:
Me: a robber came, took all their clothes then locked them in the bathroom and they were trying to alert people to their situation
10: weird
Me: so weird
10:
Me:
10: cool
Me: cool
Sorry I had to cancel for the 5th time in a row, I thought you would stop inviting me by now.
[kool-aid man catches son sneaking in and smells his breath] is that…hawaiian punch?
“dad i can explain”
Therapist: Problem?
Me: I always quote Eminem lyrics.
T: Explain?
M: I can’t tell you what it really is,I can only tell u what it feels like
Its like grandma said,
You’re not crazy when you sleep
Jacob Marley: You’ll be visited by 3 gho—
Me: *already applying lipstick* Are they hot?
Him: Guess what.
Me: You got me a dozen puppies?
Him: Uh no.
Me: 2 dozen puppies?
Him:
Me: 3 dozen?
Him:
Me: OMG 4 DOZEN PUPPIES?
Potatoes make french fries, chips, and vodka. It’s like the other vegetables aren’t even trying.
Me: You want some cereal?
2 year-old: Yay cereal!
Me: Want some Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
2: Yay cinnamon crack!
Me: Ok-wait, what??
On a dark desert highway
Cool Whip in my hair 🎵
God: you’re an amphibian.
Frog: what does that mean?
God: it means you can breathe on land and in the water.
Frog: omg you mean I’m a mermaid?
God: no that’s not what I-
Frog: [whispers] I’m the littlest mermaid.
[first cat being domesticated]
What’s that thing your petting?
“It’s called a cat”
Do they bite?
“Oh ya LOL all the time!”
Mondays aren’t too bad if you remember one thing: Use short bursts —flamethrowers don’t hold much fuel.
8:00 AM: I am 100% committed to this new diet!
8:45 AM: Eats an entire box of uncooked lasagna noodles
I punched my monitor
Now my hand Hz.
I think we all know that Hungry Eyes was written about pizza.
Good news, my mom’s friend’s sister’s cousin’s cat doesn’t have ringworm
throwback to when the car insurance lady asked my mom for front, rear, & side views but she didn’t get the memo..
Husband: *noticing my front clasp bra* Nice, did you buy that for me?
Me: *thinking how my shoulder no longer lets me reach my hand behind my back* Yeah, babe. You like it?
Being on vacation with kids is a great reminder why you should never be on vacation with kids.