To keep track of us all in the 50’s mom just hung us up on the clothes line.
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5 year old on the life cycle of humans:
“First you are a baby, then young, then a teenager, then an adult, then old…”Me: Sounds like you have a handle on it
5 yo: “…then caveman, and then rip.”
Now that’s a Halloween costume! 🤩
Miniature Donkeys escaped out of the fence and are heading to town and I’m pretty sure the damn cat orchestrated the entire plan.
When I see a girl with a lot of makeup, I just wanna to use my finger & write `”WASH ME”` on her face.
Son: What’re the trailers for?
Farmer: Goin’ to market.
S: Why 3 of ’em?
F: One carries cows, one hauls pigs.
S: That one?
F: Totes m’goats.
Can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Yes that was when I worked really weird jobs that I don’t want you to know about
If you come home n your dog gives you a lecture about smoking pot, you probably should lay off the acid too.
[A giraffe walks into a scarf shop]
*The managers eyes turn into dollar signs*
This kid’s parent is the WORST at taking pictures lmfaooo
When the nurse calls you to come get your kid 30 minutes after you drop her off at school, is about as Monday as it gets.
please tell me this song is literally about cheesecake and nothing else
“What are you doing here?”
I just got fired from the circus
“Oh my”
Yeah, the calibration on my cannon was way off. I landed in your pond
*My Gym Schedule*
Monday: Cardio
Tuesday: Intense weight training
Wednesday: Aerobics, dynamic strength training
Thursday: 3 year break
ME: what are those little bugs hovering around the basket of grapes?
GUY: fruit flies I think
ME: *rolls eyes* no it doesn’t, doug
I hate to rub it in, but lotion doesn’t really work otherwise.
“Make yourself at home.” they say, then it’s “Ma’am please put your bra back on.”
Make up your mind, library story time, make up your mind!
Randomly covering one eye for long periods of time so people think I’m part of that cult
Sure the pilot says “feel free to move about the cabin,” he doesn’t mean it.
Slot twist: That USB drive goes in the other way. Turn it over
BREAKING: Emotionally disturbed man gets into Trump Tower.
He was stopped by security, but not before being named a senior advisor.
Her: Get out, this is the ladies room!
Me: Oh please, If I paid attention to every sign with a picture on it I’d never get a parking place.
roman: how will we know which one is jesus
judas: imma kiss him
roman: why
judas: *applying lip gloss* lol i know right
Every Liam Neeson movie now is just him talking on the phone then killing people, right?
[9pm on a Saturday night]
Apple Watch: You can still do it! Just take a brisk 20 minute walk to close your exercise ring.
Me: You know I can “forget” to charge you anytime I choose, right?
You can literally say “the night is young” at any time of day or night. Nobody is policing this.
Big thanks to everyone who bought us wedding china. I think about you every time we move.
Lions do NOT share. If you try to give them half a hoagie, they will take it, plus your half, plus your arm, plus I am inside a lion.
Being unable to recreate this high is why we all have depression.
[2 years after going missing at zoo]
wife: [points at TV] “omg thats him”
me: [on the news inside kangaroos pouch] “why is noone helping me”