(to kid at lemonade stand) i ain’t buying shit until i find you on yelp
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When a guy jokes about pms, you need to laugh along to show you’re a cool chick, but hold the laugh too long- so he gets scared.
I have to fast for 48 hours for my upcoming colonoscopy. My husband is not having a colonoscopy, but he will be fasting for 48 hours as well. He just doesn’t know it yet.
I pulled a muscle turning over in bed. Cause that’s how I roll.
It never fricken fails; I wash my car, and the very next day, I hit a pedestrian.
Bedroom door opens.
Dog comes in.
Bedroom door closes.My wife’s way of saying “She’s your dog” without saying a word.
Who’s the idiot that named it a Brazilian and not a Tropical Smoothie?
My life is a rollercoaster. There’s a lot of sitting down and screaming.
I don’t care what color or creed you are. Or what your religion is. Do not eat my work sandwich.
Opened a bag of turkey jerky that smelled kinda weird but ate one anyway and when I looked at the package I realized I accidentally bought dog treats. Still pretty good tho
I forgot my cell phone at home and had to write my grocery list on paper. I shopped with it in my hand like some kind of a carrier pigeon.
WHY WRITERS ARE STARING AT NOTHING
• they’re actually working shh this is the process
• haven’t slept in 19 years so this is a power nap
• hoping a bakery will appear
• just fell down a plot hole and horror is setting in
• about to scream
• any second now
• oh here they go
Nurse: you’ve been in a coma for three months
Me: oh boy! I can’t wait to see Coldplay in concert
Nurse (standing 6 feet away): there’s something you should know
Me: what?
Nurse: Coldplay sucks
Electric planes are the future, as soon as someone figures out how to make extension cords long enough
we could create a chicken alfredo coffee flavor we have the technology
What do you call a frog stuck in the mud?
Unhoppy.
#OneLiners #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #F4F
Let me show you how you can claim your dog as a dependent on your tax return.
~Me flirting
me: any historical figure?
wizard: that’s right[later at dinner]
Beethoven: you seem disappointed
me: *hiding dog treats* it’s fine
Miley Cyrus has her tongue out more than Jabba the Hutt.
Took the man to get his hearing aids fixed today. Still deciding if it was a smart move. Don’t touch my radio.
“Disney movies promote false images of the friendliness of woodland creatures,” I mutter after each rabies shot.
Google would like to use your current location. Allow/Deny? Allow
*100 Google employees throw a party at my house*
“The guy is pure evil!”
“He’s complex”
“Religious icons and Bibles catch on fire when he walks by!”
“He’s deep!”
“Priests and Pastors drop dead when they look at him!”
“He’s troubled! Stop being negative!”
Got the invite to your wedding. Thanks! Sadly, your blatant overuse of illegible, ornate script fonts means I don’t know when or where it is
*pronounces surface like Versace*
SON: I need lunch money.
DAD: Get a job.
SON: I’m in 5th grade-
DAD: All I’m hearin’ is excuses.
What idiot called it a tree trimmer instead of a branch manager?
I have a condition where if I don’t walk as fast as humanly possible wherever I go I will die. I’m like the bus in Speed
I am all good here, 😂😉
I think I’m going to Bangladesh.
Ladesh: I have a boyfriend.
Me want titty. Me don’t want to touch, me want to suck. You have titty? TWO TITTIES? OM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM.