To know your enemy, you must become your enemy.
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So many people say they love their Roomba, but you never see them set it free.
Dolphin son: dad, how did you know mom was the one
Dolphin dad: the first time I met her we just clicked
My friend has six kids and not once have they sang about going to bed. What in the VonTrapp is going on there?
If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
War vets with prosthetic limbs are running marathons and I’m busy trying to lasso the tv remote with my phone charger cord.
How to eat French fries:
1) Eat all the good ones.
2) Leave the yucky ones and feel superior.
3) Wait 5 minutes.
4) Eat all the yucky ones.
Me: I’ll see you in court, Counselor!
Her: Sir, I just asked if you want your Happy Meal to go.
Me: You can’t handle the truth!
4k tvs? no thanks i only need one
I threw a ball for my dog.
May be a little extravagant, but he looks great in a tux.
I fired myself from cleaning my own house. I didn’t like my attitude, and I got caught drinking on the job.
So I was coloring my few, grey hairs with a sharpie and Hubby walked in.
He told me, I’m the reason for warning labels on small appliances.
I have obtained a hat
The longer you’re a parent the harder it is to act excited when people tell you they’re pregnant.
Anyone want to do the laundry for me? Im exhausted. I can pay you in beanie babies or hot monkey sex.
The monkey’s name is Earl. He bites.
Kate Middleton is in between Kate Lefton and Kate Righton.
imagine a frog. good. now imagine a frog wearing a party hat and playin a lil tambourine. even better
Guys who try to pick up women on Twitter are a bit sad…
Ladies, if you agree, DM me your number so we can talk about it…
If Kevin Bacon didn’t acknowledge his kids as “Bacon Bits” I’ll be forever disappointed.
Wife: Your life insurance premium paid up?
Me: Yeah.
Wife: Good.
Me: Why?
Wife: No reason.
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Here, taste this.
Protip: if a woman you’re with is screaming “ELEPHANT! SENATOR! BANANA! EUCALYPTUS! MISSISSIPPI!” it’s because she probably forgot the safe word.
Imagine you were a vampire nowhere near the Middle East and don’t know who Jesus is but the day after he dies you gotta figure out why lower case t’s started hurting.
Me: dance like no one’s watching!
Them: but not naked in the freezer aisle with a frozen turkey to ‘do they know it’s Christmas’!
Fun Fact: In New York City it’s a Class A felony for a pizzeria to run out of pepperoni.
Me: The shirt I’m wearing feels heavier than usual
WebMD: *Blocked
Jaws 2 (1978): after the sudden death of his father, a young shark is forced to take over the family business in a seaside resort.
The cat treats me like a king. Constantly planning to kill me so he can take my place in the chair.
My wife finished her shampoo and conditioner at the same time and now I’m worried I married a witch
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
me: and my ninja stars
aragorn: who keeps inviting this guy
We tested 3 new dishwashers at Home Depot before the salesperson made us take our dirty dishes back out to the car.
Whenever someone mentions rat poison part of me imagines a tiny rodent cover band playing 80s power ballads.