To level the playing field, online dating sites should require using the picture in your driver’s license.
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*wonders if any of my friends snorted tide when I was a teen since we didn’t have tide pods*
Him: I don’t believe I caught your name.
Her: I don’t believe I threw it.
*gets off on a technicality
Technicality: Perv.
Ref: Call it in the air..
*flips coin*
Me: A QUARTER.
Dear Milk of Magnesia manufacturers:
Please add : ‘Don’t trust a fart’ to your side effects label.
kthanksbye
My drunk neighbour just stumbled into a car, fell and then apologized to the car.
-Only in Canada
My organic chemistry class was at 7am and the teacher stressed how important it was for us to get enough sleep… so I slept in class.
*runs away from it all*
*runs back*
*grabs phone charger*
*runs away from it all again*
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!~Me. Speed dating.
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot….. I then went inside and spent $447. Brillianty played, IKEA.
No I’m not drunk driving
My kids just keep demanding I LOOK
“As first lady you would be responsible for the White House china. Any thoughts?”
MELANIA TRUMP: Oh, Donald says he’s getting rid of China
(Guy saves family from burning house)
Dad: You’re a hero.
Guy: Anyone could’ve done it.
Mom: You’re so humble.
Guy: Yes, I’m Super Modest.
Me: Look buddy, I’m not here to play games
Arcade Manager: And that’s exactly why I’ve asked you to leave
“I hope they bought enough beer so they won’t notice how much I’m drinking”
-My prayer as I pull into my parents driveway
Don’t buy drinks from children on the side of the road. The money never really goes to aid for lemons.
[i witness a crime]
COP: we’ll need you to come down to the station and make a statement
ME: ok
[at the station]
ME: a hotdog is a sandwich
1st date [dont let him know I’m a sponge]
Him: *spills drink*
Me: *starts twitching*
“WTF?”
“Seriously?”
“How could you?”
“Oh, man!”
“I’m right here.”
-my dog watching me throw food in the trash
Another interesting #factupdates post!
I woke up this morning and my hair looked like a Beatles lyric.
Here, there, and everywhere.
If you know karate you shouldn’t have to pay for stuff.
I never feel like a bigger failure than when my dog re-scratches something I just scratched for her.
Paranormal activity camera 3:33am…
Only catches me eating a chicken leg while doing the robot in my underwear.
MOM ITS NOT A DOLLHOUSE IM PRETENDING TO BE A GIANTE THATS TERRORIZING A FAMILY GOSH *waits for mom to leave* and im makig them have tea
[hitting on a girl]
ME: can I buy you a beer?
HER: no thanks
ME: so two beers then?
HER: i said no thanks
ME: *checking my wallet nervously* ok three beers last offer
What the hell happened in there??
Me: if i had a time machine, i’d go back and kill–
Guy: Baby Hitler, we know
Me: …everyone who has ever interrupted me