To level the playing field, online dating sites should require using the picture in your driver’s license.

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[airport security]
“step through again, but don’t say Beep.”
“Once more sir, but if u speak, I’ll shoot u.”
{thinks} *bzzt*


I’m a lot like a wild Pokémon in the bedroom. I only know four moves and I come out of nowhere.


Babies are 60% water, I can walk on babies, therefore I am 60% jesus


[First date]

Her: I love to travel.

Me: *stands up with basketball* I don’t think this is gonna work.


goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles


Whose bad idea was it to text him a 4th time just in case his phone was being weird?

Tequila, I’m looking at you.


You know that button in the elevator with the fireman´s hat on it.

Turns out that is not the button you press to get a fireman´s hat.


I’m at my most Liam Neeson when my food is missing from the employee fridge.


A lot of people don’t know this but if you’re turned into a vampire you don’t actually get a vampire name.

Some of you will just be Gary the Vampire


The only thing worse than finding a hair in your food is realizing that the person who prepared it has a bald head.