@SkinnieTalls

To level the playing field, online dating sites should require using the picture in your driver’s license.

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@FrenulumBreve

[airport security]
*Beep*
“step through again, but don’t say Beep.”
*Alarm*
“Once more sir, but if u speak, I’ll shoot u.”
{thinks} *bzzt*

@NintenDom

I’m a lot like a wild Pokémon in the bedroom. I only know four moves and I come out of nowhere.

@zachcozad1

Babies are 60% water, I can walk on babies, therefore I am 60% jesus

@psybermonkey

[First date]

Her: I love to travel.

Me: *stands up with basketball* I don’t think this is gonna work.

@IvoryGazelle

goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles

@_Water_Baby

Whose bad idea was it to text him a 4th time just in case his phone was being weird?

Tequila, I’m looking at you.

@JKNenagh

You know that button in the elevator with the fireman´s hat on it.

Turns out that is not the button you press to get a fireman´s hat.

@ISOremarkable

I’m at my most Liam Neeson when my food is missing from the employee fridge.

@CopernicusG

A lot of people don’t know this but if you’re turned into a vampire you don’t actually get a vampire name.

Some of you will just be Gary the Vampire

@QwertyJones3

The only thing worse than finding a hair in your food is realizing that the person who prepared it has a bald head.