@pilau Dating:
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”Marriage:
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
@SkinnieTalls To level the playing field, online dating sites should require using the picture in your driver’s license.
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@pilau 
@causticbob I’m so pro-life,
I believe life begins at erection.
@CAshmanActor ME: So how fast are you at making suits?
TAYLOR SWIFT: …
@TopherKearby I’m gonna leave this world just like I came in, dawg!
“Yo, for sure. Kickin and screamin!”
Nah, brah. On a giant spaceship.
@heatherlou_ Why is aggravated murder a charge? There’s never like a passive and calm relaxation murder.
@HallpassCanada All of my best ideas involve jail time.
@Mom_Overboard *pats belly*
Stranger: Awww do you know what it is?
Me: Yes. Nachos.
@mrjohndarby me: I want a tattoo
tattoo artist: where?
me: how about over there on that chair
tattoo artist: no, where on your body?
me: on my skin, dude
tattoo artist: this is not funny
@slimmy_shady Who the friggin hell buys a cat? There are cats everywhere. You just let one into your home and it becomes your cat.
@Shade510 Facebook…because you need to get into a political argument with someone you haven’t seen since the sixth grade.