@SkinnieTalls

To level the playing field, online dating sites should require using the picture in your driver’s license.

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@pilau

Dating:

“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”

Marriage:

“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”

@TopherKearby

I’m gonna leave this world just like I came in, dawg!

“Yo, for sure. Kickin and screamin!”

Nah, brah. On a giant spaceship.

@heatherlou_

Why is aggravated murder a charge? There’s never like a passive and calm relaxation murder.

@Mom_Overboard

*pats belly*

Stranger: Awww do you know what it is?

Me: Yes. Nachos.

@mrjohndarby

me: I want a tattoo

tattoo artist: where?

me: how about over there on that chair

tattoo artist: no, where on your body?

me: on my skin, dude

tattoo artist: this is not funny

@slimmy_shady

Who the friggin hell buys a cat? There are cats everywhere. You just let one into your home and it becomes your cat.

@Shade510

Facebook…because you need to get into a political argument with someone you haven’t seen since the sixth grade.