To little kid eyeing my McDonalds: thats right i can eat this any time i want… Dont ask about any of the other parts of my life please.
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This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
justin timberlake: lose the “the.” just “facebook.” it’s cleaner
mark zuckerberg: wow. yeah
me: [bought the domain name “ back in 1997 and have been looking for my opening ever seen]: or what if we called it yogurt dot com
me: I had to sell my car to make rent this month
therapist: how does that make you feel
me: pretty tired I walk a lot
William Shakespeare never hugged or cuddled. Lovers called him the “No Holds Bard”.
My “snooze” button should just be called the “nope, no yoga today” button.
If I got a nickel when someone called me an old soul,
I could buy a hot dog, french fries, a large coke, fill up my gas tank and still have enough left over to get a ticket to the baseball game
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they start swimming (into my fists)
My girlfriend is so crazy she even traced down the girl who once kissed me in kindergarten.
[me at my dumbest texting my friend]: u left your phone at my house
Friend dropping me off at the airport: ok fly safe
Me who is not piloting the plane: ok I will
me: u ok babe?
babe: oink
‘High five!’
*steals your snacks, runs away
Just drank two 5-Hour Energy shots. Will I get 10 hours of energy? And why is that rainbow giggling at me? AndAHH MY SKIN IS ON INSIDE-OUT!
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
Pharaohs were buried with their arms crossed over their chests because ancient Egyptians believed they took a waterslide into the afterlife.
By allowing my children to play their music & video games loudly, I’m able to get candy out of its wrapper into my mouth unseen.
Me:What’d u ask Santa for
6: a speed boat
M: like a Lego boat?
6: no
M: oh for the bath?
6: no
M: the pool?
6: *doesnt break eye contact* no
Wife: Our daughter lied to me.
Me: What did I tell you about telling the truth?
5-year-old: It’s only for people who don’t have lawyers.
I lied on my resume yesterday. I told them I wanted a job
Dogs are lucky because no one cares when they bite people who antagonize them. Even after a warning, people still freak out when I do it.
The two places we often associate with the word ‘committed’ are in reference to insane asylums, and murder.
No surprise that a third place is with relationships.
Darth Vader: “Listen Luke, this is a new arrangement for both of us. Let’s not force things. Just let me know if you need a hand.”
wife: What’s the best moment of your life?
me: That time I won a stuffed dino-
wife: That didn’t involve a dinosaur
me: Our wedding
Housetraining our dog which is why my participation in this morning’s Zoom meeting ended with, “Well, right now I’m working on upgrading myNOOOOOO NOO NO OUTSIDE OUTSIDE”
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re critical
me: I meant medically
I don’t know why Shark Tank rejected my Snore Stopper Pillow.
Just walked up to a white van in the parking lot and it literally sped away.
*Blindfolds myself
*Rage eats candy
*sees a ghost*
omg dont haunt me please i dont wana b scared
“dude i literaly experienced the horors of death so maybe this isnt about you”
Predator reluctantly turning off it’s cloaking technology so it can wash it’s hands at a sensor faucet
Would a rose by any other name still let Jack die?