To make a long story short, just walk away once you’re bored.
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god: men, do u want pockets?
men: sure
god: u got it dude!
men: thank u!!! ❤️
god: women, do u want pockets?
women: yes!
god: lmao no
women: ????
god: kangaroos, do u want pockets?
kangaroos: yes pls
god: ok done
kangaroos: [already putting their kids in there]
I know how to share fries even if others do not. I am a bear.
Daddy, where do bananas come from?
Well son, when a manana and a womanana really love each other…
Hey girl are you a capri sun? Because i want to stab you.
I bet Sauron would be a lot more respected if he had a monocle.
After I drink coffee I show my empty mug to the IT guy and tell him I’ve successfully installed Java. He hates me.
Toasters must work on some exponential scale. Two minutes barely toasted. Ten more seconds burned beyond recognition.
BAKER: Baking is a science that requires precision, timing, and accurate measurements. OK… 11, 12, 13. Anyway, here’s a dozen cupcakes.
[trampoline park]
me: *needing to come back down every time i go up*
Sir Isaac Newton: holy shit
Penguins can’t fly either but pigs are the ones who got famous for their inadequacies
DATE: I want to date someone that is really into nature
MY BRAIN: say you like hiking
MY MOUTH: I’m planning to go off the grid & move into the mountains to become a forest troll soon
Brought twins to a corn maze & put them at 2 different points so people thought they kept passing the same row. The tricycles really sold it
Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.
Had great idea for site for recent law grads called BarelyLegal .com. Turns out name was already taken. And their idea was much better.
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
1yo: *walking*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
6yo: *riding two-wheeler*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
16yo: *pouring milk into cereal without spilling*
“An eye for an eye?”
– a cannibal at a swap meet
Happy 5 year anniversary to the photo frames sitting on the floor of my bedroom waiting to be hung up “when I get a minute”.
Curious, how many years do you keep a mismatched sock before you can get rid of it? Is it like taxes? 7years?
The dog hair situation became dire and I had to lint-roll my face.
I’d like to meet those almond milk farmers. Shake their teeny hands.
Me: *Does one 30-second Google search for giraffe pictures to use in a joke I’m texting someone*
Pinterest email: HERE ARE 48 BOARDS OF GIRAFFES YOU MIGHT ENJOY BECAUSE YOU ARE OBVIOUSLY A GIRAFFE FANATIC
If you stop vacuuming your stairs eventually they become a snack bar for your kids.
If you like airborne fecal matter you’ll love being alive on earth
I hate when sales people say stupid things like “Please stop undressing the mannequins, and your credit card has been declined again.”
If you tell Dad jokes and you’re not actually a Dad, you are a faux pa.
I put my pants on just like the rest of you, when the popo tells me to.
Facebook is down, so don’t say prayer doesn’t work.
If children knew how much their parents were winging it, the whole system would topple.
Before company arrives we like to clean our house so there’s no evidence that we live like circus monkeys the other 364 days of the year!
I accidentally texted my husband “last dinner” instead of “late dinner” and now he won’t come home