to make a tv show you need one banana-shaped man and one-orange shaped man. let me explain
You Might Also Like
If there’s a civil war just a heads up I’m going after all the Herbalife and Shakeology people first
I hate when I want to like a girl’s old picture to let her know I’m interested but I’ve already liked every single one.
*opening heating bill* I wonder how much coal will fit in my stocking
Adulthood is equal parts ‘nobody can tell me what to do’ and ‘I wish someone would tell me what to do’
Coworker: You look angry.
Me: I’m not.
CW: Really angry.
Me: THIS IS MY NORMAL FACE
Maybe we should be focussing less on Goldilocks and more on why Mama and Papa bear don’t sleep in the same bed anymore.
PIERRE GASLY WHAT IS THIS ????
I wished I loved anything as much as white people love saying “gracias” at Mexican restaurants.
My kids found their Kit Kats then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go in to my closet?
Trying to figure out if you practice the violin for many hours every day, or if you just have a really bad hickey.
I heard you like bad girls. Well I’m bad. At everything. Winks at you with both eyes.
I read that peacocks “are obsessed with food and can become extremely aggressive when you dangle french fries in front of them”.
See you all later. I’m moving in with my new family now.
went to Confession and also confessed the sins of the guy next in line, hope he pays it forward
My kid saw everything that was going to be from Santa in my saved-for-later cart on Amazon, so now my options are to start Christmas shopping from scratch or to persuade my kid that Amazon works for Santa.
My friend met a wonderful man and swears that her dead ex-boyfriend sent him to her. I’m so jealous. I wish my ex-boyfriend was dead.
Doctor: “You have an arrhythmia.”
Me: “Wow, most people tell me I can’t dance.”
Who knew opening this jar marked DANGER: Baby Spiders DO NOT OPEN would turn into such a can of worms
prosecutor: why did you murder that man
me: i thought he was cake
prosecutor: you “thought” he was cake?
me:
prosecutor:
me: i hoped he was cake
Guy waking up in saw trap if Saw was British: right. what’s all this then
Coworker: Doing anything special this weekend?
Me: I’m going to get a scary Halloween costume for my puppy.
Coworker: But puppies are cute, you can’t possibly make them scary!
Me:
fred flintstone was the first ever man to become a vitamin
I’m not ashamed to say I will never be mature enough to help with school projects about Uranus.
I don’t even have a theory where Malaysia is.
“What have you always wanted to try in bed?”
Getting a good nights sleep
You OK? You’ve barely touched your crocssant!?!
The love I feel for my family is always constant. My tolerance is another matter.
Dear diary,
Today I learned drinking electrolytes does not give you electrical powers. must now find other ways to become a super villainess
Me: huh why is Cinnamon Toast Crunch Shrimp trending
30 seconds later: I’ve made a terrible mistake
“What do you get if you cross a monkey and a lion?”
I glance nervously over to the basement door, afraid she’s seen something she shouldn’t.