@ErinChack

to make a tv show you need one banana-shaped man and one-orange shaped man. let me explain

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@SomeChrisTweets

HELLO, 911? I’M FALLING DOWN AN ELEVATOR SHAFT. YES, RIGHT NOW. VERY SLOWLY, THAT’S HOW. HOLD ON, SOMEONE JOINED. WHOA, NOW WE’RE FALLING UP

@stacywawa1

The ex just asked me how can one have a soulmate if one has no soul?

Wonder which of us he was referring to?

@Cornjerker78

It’s a bird. It’s a plane.
It’s a joke that went over your head.

@UpsideDad

3: Daddy, please don’t do that joke anymore.

Me: Which one, buddy?

3: Any of them.

@WoodyLuvsCoffee

(Rushes to hospital)
Dr: Your mother is extremely critical.
Me: Don’t overreact doctor, she’s like that with everyone.

@MariyaAlexander

Make a horror film less scary by putting old timey words in the title, i.e. The Thingamabob, Jason Goes To Heck or The Hills Have Peepers.

@IamEnidColeslaw

ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies

@sydneyrachel

Michael Cera, too timid to send his food back even though he’s allergic to almonds, eats a meal and politely goes into anaphylactic shock.

@abasketofcraig

Bake a book inside a cake and help a convict escape into his or her imagination.